A misunderstanding was being blamed for a riot that broke out at the Louisiana Super Dome yesterday.
Thousands of New Orleans residents were falsely told to go to the Superdome to be rescued. They showed up expecting to receive a check from President Obama, who was in town attempting to show that his administration is making things better on the Gulf Coast.
“I heard somebody say “head down there cause Obama gonna give us our stimulus money for Katrina,” Ninth Ward resident Shaniqua Johnson told ABC News. “We didn’t get nothin.”
When the thousands that showed up realized that there was no Obama and, more importantly, no checks, things turned ugly.
CNN reporter Campbell Brown, traveling with the President, viewed the scene.“They started busting up seats, tearing down the goal posts, setting fires. It looked like Detroit on Hell Night!”
In a scene reminiscent of Hurricane Katrina National Guard and State Police were called in to try to restore order.
Clavin James, 22, put down the armful of New Orleans Saints football uniforms he was carrying long enough to recount his harrowing experiences during Katrina.
“The police came through the hood sayin we need to get out and that lootin was illegal. So I hit the Foot Locker, got mine and came down here waitin’ for a ride out. I had to wait four days! That’s some bullsh*t! Then another week to get my FEMA trailer and a month for the gov'ment checks and donation money to show. This is America, man. Why it take so dam long for me to get my money?”
Friday, October 16, 2009
Around the World in a Daze
Fort Collins, Colorado law enforcement officials were surprised to find a hot air balloon that was set adrift from a local home and thought to contain a small boy actually contained reality show mother of eight Kate Gosselin.
“I am so tired of Jon (Gosselin’s ex husband) getting all of the attention from the media lately. What about me? I got stuck with the kids and he gets to go out and party with Lindsay Lohan’s dad. How fair is that?”
Kate says she got the idea after watching an episode of “Wife Swap”. “I saw that family with the whack job parents who don’t care what their kids do. So I went to their house and figured I would try to intervene on behalf of the kids. I knew the media would pick up on it and maybe it could launch my bid to get a daytime talk show. Next thing I know three boys push me into a balloon!”
Mayumi Heene, mother of the boys, tells a different story. “She (Kate) came barging in to our house ranting about how great a mom she is and how Jon is an *sshole. Next thing I know she is in the backyard taking hits of helium off of the bottle we use to fill our weather balloons. She got so wasted that she grabbed one of the balloons, yelled “I’m Lady Ga Ga’ and off into the air she went.”
“I am so tired of Jon (Gosselin’s ex husband) getting all of the attention from the media lately. What about me? I got stuck with the kids and he gets to go out and party with Lindsay Lohan’s dad. How fair is that?”
Kate says she got the idea after watching an episode of “Wife Swap”. “I saw that family with the whack job parents who don’t care what their kids do. So I went to their house and figured I would try to intervene on behalf of the kids. I knew the media would pick up on it and maybe it could launch my bid to get a daytime talk show. Next thing I know three boys push me into a balloon!”
Mayumi Heene, mother of the boys, tells a different story. “She (Kate) came barging in to our house ranting about how great a mom she is and how Jon is an *sshole. Next thing I know she is in the backyard taking hits of helium off of the bottle we use to fill our weather balloons. She got so wasted that she grabbed one of the balloons, yelled “I’m Lady Ga Ga’ and off into the air she went.”
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Incomplete and fumbled
N.F.L. Commissioner Roger Goodell cast doubt on conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh’s viability as an N.F.L. owner Tuesday, saying that “divisive comments are not what the N.F.L. is all about. It’s about real tangible felonies.”
“I’ve said many times before, we’re not all held to a high standard here,” Mr. Goodell said. “Here in the NFL actions speak louder than words. And as long as those actions are subject to prosecution in a criminal court, I am OK with whatever happens.”
“Perhaps if Mr. Limbaugh had an arrest record, killed a few pitbulls, shot himself with an unregisterd handgun, or killed somebody while driving drunk, he would have a chance at ownership. But Rush is all talk and no action. To me that is inexcusable,” Goodell told reporters.
Mr. Goodell, who presides over a league whose players are 65 percent black, said race would be a determining factor in any decision he would make concerning team ownership. “Let’s get real here. I have to make sure the black guys are kept happy. If they all quit, what am I left with? A bunch of kickers and a handful of quarterbacks? This is the NFL, not the NHL!”
“I’ve said many times before, we’re not all held to a high standard here,” Mr. Goodell said. “Here in the NFL actions speak louder than words. And as long as those actions are subject to prosecution in a criminal court, I am OK with whatever happens.”
“Perhaps if Mr. Limbaugh had an arrest record, killed a few pitbulls, shot himself with an unregisterd handgun, or killed somebody while driving drunk, he would have a chance at ownership. But Rush is all talk and no action. To me that is inexcusable,” Goodell told reporters.
Mr. Goodell, who presides over a league whose players are 65 percent black, said race would be a determining factor in any decision he would make concerning team ownership. “Let’s get real here. I have to make sure the black guys are kept happy. If they all quit, what am I left with? A bunch of kickers and a handful of quarterbacks? This is the NFL, not the NHL!”
Booby Prize
Members of the Norwegian committee that gave President Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize are strongly defending their choice against a storm of criticism that the award was premature.
Committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland singled out Obama's efforts to heal the divide between the West and the Muslim world and scale down a Bush-era proposal for an anti-missile shield in Europe.
"All these things have contributed to – I wouldn't say a safer world – but a world with less tension," Jagland said Tuesday. “Obama is like a massage that you get at an Oriental Bath House with a Happy Ending thrown in!”
"Alfred Nobel wrote that the prize should go to the person who has contributed most to the development of peace in the previous year," Jagland said. "Who has done more for that than Barack Obama? And, besides, if we didn't give it to Obama we knew Kanye would be upset.”
Asked to comment on the uproar after Friday's announcement, three members of the five-seat committee rejected the notion that Obama hadn't accomplished anything to deserve the award, while a fourth declined to answer that question because he “feared the black helicopters would get him.” The fifth member could not be reached in his room at the Oslo Home for the Mentally Unbalanced.
Committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland singled out Obama's efforts to heal the divide between the West and the Muslim world and scale down a Bush-era proposal for an anti-missile shield in Europe.
"All these things have contributed to – I wouldn't say a safer world – but a world with less tension," Jagland said Tuesday. “Obama is like a massage that you get at an Oriental Bath House with a Happy Ending thrown in!”
"Alfred Nobel wrote that the prize should go to the person who has contributed most to the development of peace in the previous year," Jagland said. "Who has done more for that than Barack Obama? And, besides, if we didn't give it to Obama we knew Kanye would be upset.”
Asked to comment on the uproar after Friday's announcement, three members of the five-seat committee rejected the notion that Obama hadn't accomplished anything to deserve the award, while a fourth declined to answer that question because he “feared the black helicopters would get him.” The fifth member could not be reached in his room at the Oslo Home for the Mentally Unbalanced.
Call Me Al...
ACORN is in hot water again after a recently released video shows members of the organization offering financial advice to undercover filmmakers posing as members of the terror group Al Qaeda.
The film shows the same man and woman team, James O'Keefe and Hannah Giles, who posed as a pimp and a prostitute in other undercover videos, attempting to solicit funds from ACORN to finance the purchase of a local convenience store.
“We told them (ACORN) that we needed to buy a store we could use as a front for our “operations,” filmmaker O’Keefe stated in an interview with FOX News. “When they asked us what our “operations” were we told them that we were in the business of providing a means for young Muslim men to meet seventy-two virgins. They thought we were opening a brothel and started giving us tax advice.”
The video shows the filmmaker, dressed in middle eastern attire, and his female partner, dressed in a burkha, asking questions of ACORN employees in their Washington D.C. office.
“I told them I was Al Qaeda,” O’Keefe stated. “They wanted to know if Qaeda was spelled with a “C” or a “K”. “
The film shows the same man and woman team, James O'Keefe and Hannah Giles, who posed as a pimp and a prostitute in other undercover videos, attempting to solicit funds from ACORN to finance the purchase of a local convenience store.
“We told them (ACORN) that we needed to buy a store we could use as a front for our “operations,” filmmaker O’Keefe stated in an interview with FOX News. “When they asked us what our “operations” were we told them that we were in the business of providing a means for young Muslim men to meet seventy-two virgins. They thought we were opening a brothel and started giving us tax advice.”
The video shows the filmmaker, dressed in middle eastern attire, and his female partner, dressed in a burkha, asking questions of ACORN employees in their Washington D.C. office.
“I told them I was Al Qaeda,” O’Keefe stated. “They wanted to know if Qaeda was spelled with a “C” or a “K”. “
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Just Beat It
Michael Jackson’s return to the airwaves Monday with a new song from a two disc CD, “This Is IT” has caused quite a lot of buzz in the music industry. Not for the music but for the CD cover, which features a sequined gloved hand, grabbing what appears to be a rather large male crotch.
“I never knew Michael was so well endowed!” a stunned Brooke Shields said in an interview with PEOPLE magazine. “If “IT” was that big it is amazing he was able to walk, let alone moonwalk.”
First wife Lisa Marie Presley, in an interview with In Touch magazine, commented that “even though he (Michael) was my husband we never “did the deed” if you know what I mean. I never even saw him naked. And he always slept in that air chamber thing so it wasn’t like I had a chance to even get close to “IT”.”
Debbie Rowe, Jackson's other ex wife and mother of two of Jackson’s three children, told the National Enquirer that "IT sure looks bigger than the test tube his kids all came outta!"
Legendary actress and long time Jackson supporter Elizabeth Taylor issued a written statement. “While I never had the occasion to actually see “IT” I do recall several occasions where I saw Bubbles the Chimp walking with a very serious limp.”
“I never knew Michael was so well endowed!” a stunned Brooke Shields said in an interview with PEOPLE magazine. “If “IT” was that big it is amazing he was able to walk, let alone moonwalk.”
First wife Lisa Marie Presley, in an interview with In Touch magazine, commented that “even though he (Michael) was my husband we never “did the deed” if you know what I mean. I never even saw him naked. And he always slept in that air chamber thing so it wasn’t like I had a chance to even get close to “IT”.”
Debbie Rowe, Jackson's other ex wife and mother of two of Jackson’s three children, told the National Enquirer that "IT sure looks bigger than the test tube his kids all came outta!"
Legendary actress and long time Jackson supporter Elizabeth Taylor issued a written statement. “While I never had the occasion to actually see “IT” I do recall several occasions where I saw Bubbles the Chimp walking with a very serious limp.”
Sly like a ...
In an attempt to ease growing tension with the White House the chairman of the FOX News channel has announced that it is offering President Obama a starring role in one of its most popular prime time television shows.
“We want to show that we are willing to work with the White House. So we are offering Obama a role playing the President of the United States on the next season of “24,” Roger Ailes, chairman of Fox News Network stated in an interview with the Washington Times.
“We have tailored the role to make him as comfortable as possible. He will play a president trying to deal with major financial crises at home and military conflicts overseas. All the while he is being harassed by the show’s main character, Jack Bauer, who has intelligence leading him to believe that the president is actually a Kenyan covert operative trying to turn the United States into a socialist country.”
Ailes points out that since the series is twenty four episodes long the character of Jack Bauer will have ample opportunities to delve deep into all branches of the government gathering clues to help him build the case against Obama.
“I do not want to give too much away but in one episode Jack will play a pimp and Chloe will play a prostitute as they attempt to find evidence at a Washington D.C. office of ACORN," Ailes stated. “And in another episode Jack is captured and is interrogated by Barney Frank. All I can say is Jack had better watch his ass.”
Ailes was asked if there was any truth in the rumor that if Obama agrees to play president the part of Jack Bauer would be played by FOX host Glenn Beck. “While I would love to see that might be a deal breaker. But I can confirm that the role of Vice President will be played by Homer Simpson.”
“We want to show that we are willing to work with the White House. So we are offering Obama a role playing the President of the United States on the next season of “24,” Roger Ailes, chairman of Fox News Network stated in an interview with the Washington Times.
“We have tailored the role to make him as comfortable as possible. He will play a president trying to deal with major financial crises at home and military conflicts overseas. All the while he is being harassed by the show’s main character, Jack Bauer, who has intelligence leading him to believe that the president is actually a Kenyan covert operative trying to turn the United States into a socialist country.”
Ailes points out that since the series is twenty four episodes long the character of Jack Bauer will have ample opportunities to delve deep into all branches of the government gathering clues to help him build the case against Obama.
“I do not want to give too much away but in one episode Jack will play a pimp and Chloe will play a prostitute as they attempt to find evidence at a Washington D.C. office of ACORN," Ailes stated. “And in another episode Jack is captured and is interrogated by Barney Frank. All I can say is Jack had better watch his ass.”
Ailes was asked if there was any truth in the rumor that if Obama agrees to play president the part of Jack Bauer would be played by FOX host Glenn Beck. “While I would love to see that might be a deal breaker. But I can confirm that the role of Vice President will be played by Homer Simpson.”
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