Celebrity Pamela Anderson, a long time advocate for PETA, is leading a protest against the Miami Dolphins for landing legendary football coach Bill Parcells as head of football operations for the Miami Dolphins, the Miami Herald reported Wednesday।
Parcells, who nickname is “Big Tuna,” was destined for a job with the Atlanta Falcons but Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga was able to lure him away.
“First they oppress and humiliate dolphins by making them play football. Now they catch a big tuna and force it to work! When will the abuse end?” Anderson exclaimed.
The Dolphins front office declined comment, only saying that nothing has been finalized. Miami's player Jason Taylor was asked about the controversy, which broke after the team finished practice. "With something like this I guess you have to consider the source. I mean, look at her. Her chest size is higher than her IQ. “
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I Put a Spell on You
Republican Rudy Giuliani planned to head home to New York City on Thursday after spending the night in a hospital, apparently the victim of a voodoo curse, his campaign said.
"After precautionary tests the doctors found several mysterious puncture marks all over his body,” communications director Katie Levinson said in a statement issued before dawn Thursday. "He is in good spirits after being possessed by what appears to be bad spirits.”
The former New York City mayor felt the symptoms while campaigning for the Republican presidential nomination in Louisiana. Levinson described the symptoms as those being commonly associated with someone possessed by a voodoo doll. "The symptoms worsened as the day wore on. The mayor became uncomfortable, his arms and legs flew around like a palsy victim and his head spun around like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.”
Asked if they have any idea who might be casting the spell on their candidate, Levinson responded, “I don’t want to bring religiously beliefs of the other candidates into the campaign, but you know Romney is a Mormon…”
"After precautionary tests the doctors found several mysterious puncture marks all over his body,” communications director Katie Levinson said in a statement issued before dawn Thursday. "He is in good spirits after being possessed by what appears to be bad spirits.”
The former New York City mayor felt the symptoms while campaigning for the Republican presidential nomination in Louisiana. Levinson described the symptoms as those being commonly associated with someone possessed by a voodoo doll. "The symptoms worsened as the day wore on. The mayor became uncomfortable, his arms and legs flew around like a palsy victim and his head spun around like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.”
Asked if they have any idea who might be casting the spell on their candidate, Levinson responded, “I don’t want to bring religiously beliefs of the other candidates into the campaign, but you know Romney is a Mormon…”
Mother Knows Best
Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne’s new book about parenting "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" has been delayed indefinitely. It was initially scheduled for release May 11, Mother's Day.
"I can tell you that we are standing behind Lynne and supporting her decision to delay the release," Lindsey Nobles, a spokeswoman for Christian book publisher Thomas Nelson Inc., said Wednesday. “Since it (the book) is a comedic work, these new revelations about her daughter Jamie Lynn being knocked up will make for several more hilarious chapters!”
Spears, the mother of three children with ex-husband Jamie Spears, had been working with comedian Jeff Foxworthy on the memoir about Spears' experiences raising a family in the public eye. “Working with Jeff has been great since the members of the Spears family are basically rednecks with money.”
Foxworthy, on tour in Arkansas, was grateful for the experience. “I got three years worth of “You Might be a Redneck” jokes after talking with Lynne!”
"I can tell you that we are standing behind Lynne and supporting her decision to delay the release," Lindsey Nobles, a spokeswoman for Christian book publisher Thomas Nelson Inc., said Wednesday. “Since it (the book) is a comedic work, these new revelations about her daughter Jamie Lynn being knocked up will make for several more hilarious chapters!”
Spears, the mother of three children with ex-husband Jamie Spears, had been working with comedian Jeff Foxworthy on the memoir about Spears' experiences raising a family in the public eye. “Working with Jeff has been great since the members of the Spears family are basically rednecks with money.”
Foxworthy, on tour in Arkansas, was grateful for the experience. “I got three years worth of “You Might be a Redneck” jokes after talking with Lynne!”
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I Wish I Knew How to Quit You
In an effort to stem the tide of bad luck he has endured when his girlfriends come to his football games, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is trying a new approach – he’s going gay.
“First it was Carrie (Underwood) screwing up my game last year against the Eagles. Now it’s Jessica (Simpson) this year at the Eagles game. There is obviously a connection. I date these hot, young blonde female singers and my game suffers. So going gay was really a no-brainer for me.”
Romo was asked if he has anyone in mind as a potential new boyfriend. “I’m kind of new to this whole guy on guy thing, but I have a soft spot for singers so I was thinking of asking Clay Aiken to come to our next game. If I play well this cowboy is pitching his love tent on Brokeback Mountain!”
“First it was Carrie (Underwood) screwing up my game last year against the Eagles. Now it’s Jessica (Simpson) this year at the Eagles game. There is obviously a connection. I date these hot, young blonde female singers and my game suffers. So going gay was really a no-brainer for me.”
Romo was asked if he has anyone in mind as a potential new boyfriend. “I’m kind of new to this whole guy on guy thing, but I have a soft spot for singers so I was thinking of asking Clay Aiken to come to our next game. If I play well this cowboy is pitching his love tent on Brokeback Mountain!”
Getting to Know Her…
Mr. And Mrs. Bill Clinton embarked this week on a warm-and-fuzzy tour to present the former first lady and presidential candidate as likable and heartwarming.
Mrs. Clinton claimed she was aware that “people want to know more about me personally. It takes time for people to get to know you.” When reporters asked why her years in the public eye, as First Lady of Arkansas and the United States and a U.S. Senator, haven’t been enough time for people to form an opinion about her personally, she replied, “When did I have time to talk about myself? I was too busy lying for Bill!”
Mr. Clinton, stumping at an Iowa grocery store, delayed a photo opportunity with his wife by giving an interview to “Entertainment Tonight” to expand on the new strategy. “We want to give people a good sense of her, not only as a leader but as a person,” Mr. Clinton claimed. “Now, I better get my ass to that photo op before Hillary gets pissed and starts throwing canned corn at me.”
Mrs. Clinton claimed she was aware that “people want to know more about me personally. It takes time for people to get to know you.” When reporters asked why her years in the public eye, as First Lady of Arkansas and the United States and a U.S. Senator, haven’t been enough time for people to form an opinion about her personally, she replied, “When did I have time to talk about myself? I was too busy lying for Bill!”
Mr. Clinton, stumping at an Iowa grocery store, delayed a photo opportunity with his wife by giving an interview to “Entertainment Tonight” to expand on the new strategy. “We want to give people a good sense of her, not only as a leader but as a person,” Mr. Clinton claimed. “Now, I better get my ass to that photo op before Hillary gets pissed and starts throwing canned corn at me.”
Gimme Gimme More
Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old sister of Britney, tells OK! Magazine that she's pregnant, and that the father is none other than K-Fed, Kevin Federline.
"It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," she says. "I was in complete and total shock and so was he. Guess I shouldn’t have done that sleepover at his house.”
When asked for comment, K-Fed claimed it was a case of mistaken identity. “Yo, I like thought it was Britney, yo. They look so much alike. Check that. Jamie looks like Britney, back when Britney wasn’t a fat, bloated, crazy drunk bee-ach!”
Spears was asked if she would look to her older sister for parenting advice. “Of course,” she exclaimed. “I plan on using her tips on child rearing, especially when it comes to driving with a baby onboard.”
"It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," she says. "I was in complete and total shock and so was he. Guess I shouldn’t have done that sleepover at his house.”
When asked for comment, K-Fed claimed it was a case of mistaken identity. “Yo, I like thought it was Britney, yo. They look so much alike. Check that. Jamie looks like Britney, back when Britney wasn’t a fat, bloated, crazy drunk bee-ach!”
Spears was asked if she would look to her older sister for parenting advice. “Of course,” she exclaimed. “I plan on using her tips on child rearing, especially when it comes to driving with a baby onboard.”
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Down on the Farm
Hillary Clinton, on the campaign trail in Iowa, appeared before a horrified crowd naked, wearing nothing but an auction tag for an earring.
"I've been to cattle barns before and sales before, in Arkansas, and I've been bid on," Clinton stated. "I know you're going to inspect me. You can look inside my mouth if you want. And don't worry - I don't have Mad Cow disease!
When told of his wife's comments former president Bill Clinton was not surprised. "You know me, I have always had a thing for women who look like farm animals. Hillary, Monica, Paula..."
"I've been to cattle barns before and sales before, in Arkansas, and I've been bid on," Clinton stated. "I know you're going to inspect me. You can look inside my mouth if you want. And don't worry - I don't have Mad Cow disease!
When told of his wife's comments former president Bill Clinton was not surprised. "You know me, I have always had a thing for women who look like farm animals. Hillary, Monica, Paula..."
What's in a Name?
Former Nebraska Senator Bob Kerrey, who recently endorsed Hillary Clinton for president, said in an interview with The Washington Post that Barack Obama's name could be a detriment to his bid for the Democratic nomination. "It's probably not something that appeals to him, but I can relate to him. People think because his middle name is Hussein he is related to Saddam. And people think that because I am named Kerrey I'm the brother of that loser senator from Massachusetts. Let's face it - our party's voters are morons."
Kerrey was asked if Obama's Muslim roots would have any detrimental affect on his campaign. "I don't think so," Kerrey claimed. "Besides, imagine all the geeks who would support him if he promised them 70 virgins per vote."
Kerrey was asked if Obama's Muslim roots would have any detrimental affect on his campaign. "I don't think so," Kerrey claimed. "Besides, imagine all the geeks who would support him if he promised them 70 virgins per vote."
Stifle, Meathead!
Republican candidate Mike Huckabee refused to apologize for what other candidates consider an insult of President George W. Bush by describing his foreign policy as "arrogant bunker mentality."
Huckabee published a foreign policy paper describing his own foreign policy beliefs. "We need to change our tone and attitude, open up, and reach out. That's the foreign policy I used when I was governor of Arkansas and had to deal with other third world nations, like Mississippi."
When informed of Huckabee's comments President Bush seemed amused. "Bunker mentality? No, I haven't tried to to be like Archie. I think my mentality has always tried to emulate that other 70's sitcom star - The Fonz."
Huckabee published a foreign policy paper describing his own foreign policy beliefs. "We need to change our tone and attitude, open up, and reach out. That's the foreign policy I used when I was governor of Arkansas and had to deal with other third world nations, like Mississippi."
When informed of Huckabee's comments President Bush seemed amused. "Bunker mentality? No, I haven't tried to to be like Archie. I think my mentality has always tried to emulate that other 70's sitcom star - The Fonz."
Down on the Border
The U.S. Border Patrol, in an effort to stop the increase in over the fence attacks on its agents, has responded by launching tear gas, pepper-spray and bullets back into Mexico.
Mike Fisher, a top agency official in San Diego, defended the controversial plan. "Our agents have been attacked nearly 1,000 times during a one-year period. Things keep flying over the fence from Mexico. When it was just little things like cans and bottles we didn't mind so much. But last week, a flying Mexican baby hit one of our agents in the head! "
The counteroffensive has drawn complaints from Mexico's acting consul general in San Diego, Ricardo Pineda. "We will not sit by idly while these mercenaries attack the poor defenseless people whose only crime is being born in a lousy country where they have no future." Asked if he was worried about reprisals from the Mexican government for being critical of his home nation, Pineda claimed, "Look, I'm already in the U.S. Even if I get fired from this job, I am not going back to that hell hole."
Mike Fisher, a top agency official in San Diego, defended the controversial plan. "Our agents have been attacked nearly 1,000 times during a one-year period. Things keep flying over the fence from Mexico. When it was just little things like cans and bottles we didn't mind so much. But last week, a flying Mexican baby hit one of our agents in the head! "
The counteroffensive has drawn complaints from Mexico's acting consul general in San Diego, Ricardo Pineda. "We will not sit by idly while these mercenaries attack the poor defenseless people whose only crime is being born in a lousy country where they have no future." Asked if he was worried about reprisals from the Mexican government for being critical of his home nation, Pineda claimed, "Look, I'm already in the U.S. Even if I get fired from this job, I am not going back to that hell hole."
Cruel and Unusual
After completing a five-year engagement at Caesars Palace, Celine Dion departed for her next gig - singing to the detainees at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp.
"After seeing the Michael Moore movie "Sicko" I realized that while the poor souls who are illegally detained in Cuba may have great health care they suffer from a lack of quality musical entertainment. I will be that entertainment until the camp closes."
Republican presidential hopeful and former P.O.W. Senator John McCain, who is leading the charge against so-called "torture" techniques allegedly used by U.S. interrogators, was quick to respond. "If we allow this to occur it will make Abu Ghraib look like Club Med. They'll (the detainees) be begging to be water-boarded!"
"After seeing the Michael Moore movie "Sicko" I realized that while the poor souls who are illegally detained in Cuba may have great health care they suffer from a lack of quality musical entertainment. I will be that entertainment until the camp closes."
Republican presidential hopeful and former P.O.W. Senator John McCain, who is leading the charge against so-called "torture" techniques allegedly used by U.S. interrogators, was quick to respond. "If we allow this to occur it will make Abu Ghraib look like Club Med. They'll (the detainees) be begging to be water-boarded!"
Image is Everything
Future Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher Roger Clemens, in an effort to stave off the criticism he has received following his inclusion in the Mitchell Report on the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball, has checked into rehab.
"It is very unfair to include Roger's name in this report," said Clemens' lawyer, Rusty Hardin. "He is left with no meaningful way to combat what he strongly contends are totally false allegations. So after consultation with family and friends, including Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Robert Downey Jr., Roger has decided to enter Promises Residential Treatment Center in Malibu."
Mr. Hardin went on to detail the treatment plan. "While he has not been charged with anything, the court of public opinion has found Roger guilty. So we figure Roger can do a couple weeks in Malibu, get out, drive drunk, get a DUI, wreck his car, go back into rehab, come out of rehab, shave off his hair, attack the paparazzi, neglect his kids, and make a sex tape. By the time we are finished remaking Roger's image people will have forgotten about his supposed use of human growth hormone."
"It is very unfair to include Roger's name in this report," said Clemens' lawyer, Rusty Hardin. "He is left with no meaningful way to combat what he strongly contends are totally false allegations. So after consultation with family and friends, including Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Robert Downey Jr., Roger has decided to enter Promises Residential Treatment Center in Malibu."
Mr. Hardin went on to detail the treatment plan. "While he has not been charged with anything, the court of public opinion has found Roger guilty. So we figure Roger can do a couple weeks in Malibu, get out, drive drunk, get a DUI, wreck his car, go back into rehab, come out of rehab, shave off his hair, attack the paparazzi, neglect his kids, and make a sex tape. By the time we are finished remaking Roger's image people will have forgotten about his supposed use of human growth hormone."
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