Future Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher Roger Clemens, in an effort to stave off the criticism he has received following his inclusion in the Mitchell Report on the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball, has checked into rehab.
"It is very unfair to include Roger's name in this report," said Clemens' lawyer, Rusty Hardin. "He is left with no meaningful way to combat what he strongly contends are totally false allegations. So after consultation with family and friends, including Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Robert Downey Jr., Roger has decided to enter Promises Residential Treatment Center in Malibu."
Mr. Hardin went on to detail the treatment plan. "While he has not been charged with anything, the court of public opinion has found Roger guilty. So we figure Roger can do a couple weeks in Malibu, get out, drive drunk, get a DUI, wreck his car, go back into rehab, come out of rehab, shave off his hair, attack the paparazzi, neglect his kids, and make a sex tape. By the time we are finished remaking Roger's image people will have forgotten about his supposed use of human growth hormone."
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