Aquatics – Participants swim the Chicago River and try to avoid the rain of human waste from Dave Matthew’s tour bus
Cycling – Held on the streets of Chicago, with points awarded for stylistic pot hole jumping
Equestrian – Watch for discounted Chicago Style Dogs after this event concludes
Fencing – Entrants compete for the quickest time as they climb over fences attempting to outrun the Chicago Police.
Football – Da Bears Win! Let's go to Ditka's...
Shooting – Only gang members may compete in this event since law abiding citizens are not allowed to own guns in Chicago.
Wrestling – Two participants, a mugger and a pedestrian, struggle over a wallet (purses used for female contestants)
Basketball – Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls!!!!
Tennis – Look for a mixed doubles match with the US team consisting of Serena Williams and Reverend Jeremiah Wright.
Gymnastics – Even though the French judges will try to screw our gymnasts with low scores Mayor Daley will make sure that the judges learn “the Chicago Way”
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