A misunderstanding was being blamed for a riot that broke out at the Louisiana Super Dome yesterday.
Thousands of New Orleans residents were falsely told to go to the Superdome to be rescued. They showed up expecting to receive a check from President Obama, who was in town attempting to show that his administration is making things better on the Gulf Coast.
“I heard somebody say “head down there cause Obama gonna give us our stimulus money for Katrina,” Ninth Ward resident Shaniqua Johnson told ABC News. “We didn’t get nothin.”
When the thousands that showed up realized that there was no Obama and, more importantly, no checks, things turned ugly.
CNN reporter Campbell Brown, traveling with the President, viewed the scene.“They started busting up seats, tearing down the goal posts, setting fires. It looked like Detroit on Hell Night!”
In a scene reminiscent of Hurricane Katrina National Guard and State Police were called in to try to restore order.
Clavin James, 22, put down the armful of New Orleans Saints football uniforms he was carrying long enough to recount his harrowing experiences during Katrina.
“The police came through the hood sayin we need to get out and that lootin was illegal. So I hit the Foot Locker, got mine and came down here waitin’ for a ride out. I had to wait four days! That’s some bullsh*t! Then another week to get my FEMA trailer and a month for the gov'ment checks and donation money to show. This is America, man. Why it take so dam long for me to get my money?”
Friday, October 16, 2009
Around the World in a Daze
Fort Collins, Colorado law enforcement officials were surprised to find a hot air balloon that was set adrift from a local home and thought to contain a small boy actually contained reality show mother of eight Kate Gosselin.
“I am so tired of Jon (Gosselin’s ex husband) getting all of the attention from the media lately. What about me? I got stuck with the kids and he gets to go out and party with Lindsay Lohan’s dad. How fair is that?”
Kate says she got the idea after watching an episode of “Wife Swap”. “I saw that family with the whack job parents who don’t care what their kids do. So I went to their house and figured I would try to intervene on behalf of the kids. I knew the media would pick up on it and maybe it could launch my bid to get a daytime talk show. Next thing I know three boys push me into a balloon!”
Mayumi Heene, mother of the boys, tells a different story. “She (Kate) came barging in to our house ranting about how great a mom she is and how Jon is an *sshole. Next thing I know she is in the backyard taking hits of helium off of the bottle we use to fill our weather balloons. She got so wasted that she grabbed one of the balloons, yelled “I’m Lady Ga Ga’ and off into the air she went.”
“I am so tired of Jon (Gosselin’s ex husband) getting all of the attention from the media lately. What about me? I got stuck with the kids and he gets to go out and party with Lindsay Lohan’s dad. How fair is that?”
Kate says she got the idea after watching an episode of “Wife Swap”. “I saw that family with the whack job parents who don’t care what their kids do. So I went to their house and figured I would try to intervene on behalf of the kids. I knew the media would pick up on it and maybe it could launch my bid to get a daytime talk show. Next thing I know three boys push me into a balloon!”
Mayumi Heene, mother of the boys, tells a different story. “She (Kate) came barging in to our house ranting about how great a mom she is and how Jon is an *sshole. Next thing I know she is in the backyard taking hits of helium off of the bottle we use to fill our weather balloons. She got so wasted that she grabbed one of the balloons, yelled “I’m Lady Ga Ga’ and off into the air she went.”
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Incomplete and fumbled
N.F.L. Commissioner Roger Goodell cast doubt on conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh’s viability as an N.F.L. owner Tuesday, saying that “divisive comments are not what the N.F.L. is all about. It’s about real tangible felonies.”
“I’ve said many times before, we’re not all held to a high standard here,” Mr. Goodell said. “Here in the NFL actions speak louder than words. And as long as those actions are subject to prosecution in a criminal court, I am OK with whatever happens.”
“Perhaps if Mr. Limbaugh had an arrest record, killed a few pitbulls, shot himself with an unregisterd handgun, or killed somebody while driving drunk, he would have a chance at ownership. But Rush is all talk and no action. To me that is inexcusable,” Goodell told reporters.
Mr. Goodell, who presides over a league whose players are 65 percent black, said race would be a determining factor in any decision he would make concerning team ownership. “Let’s get real here. I have to make sure the black guys are kept happy. If they all quit, what am I left with? A bunch of kickers and a handful of quarterbacks? This is the NFL, not the NHL!”
“I’ve said many times before, we’re not all held to a high standard here,” Mr. Goodell said. “Here in the NFL actions speak louder than words. And as long as those actions are subject to prosecution in a criminal court, I am OK with whatever happens.”
“Perhaps if Mr. Limbaugh had an arrest record, killed a few pitbulls, shot himself with an unregisterd handgun, or killed somebody while driving drunk, he would have a chance at ownership. But Rush is all talk and no action. To me that is inexcusable,” Goodell told reporters.
Mr. Goodell, who presides over a league whose players are 65 percent black, said race would be a determining factor in any decision he would make concerning team ownership. “Let’s get real here. I have to make sure the black guys are kept happy. If they all quit, what am I left with? A bunch of kickers and a handful of quarterbacks? This is the NFL, not the NHL!”
Booby Prize
Members of the Norwegian committee that gave President Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize are strongly defending their choice against a storm of criticism that the award was premature.
Committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland singled out Obama's efforts to heal the divide between the West and the Muslim world and scale down a Bush-era proposal for an anti-missile shield in Europe.
"All these things have contributed to – I wouldn't say a safer world – but a world with less tension," Jagland said Tuesday. “Obama is like a massage that you get at an Oriental Bath House with a Happy Ending thrown in!”
"Alfred Nobel wrote that the prize should go to the person who has contributed most to the development of peace in the previous year," Jagland said. "Who has done more for that than Barack Obama? And, besides, if we didn't give it to Obama we knew Kanye would be upset.”
Asked to comment on the uproar after Friday's announcement, three members of the five-seat committee rejected the notion that Obama hadn't accomplished anything to deserve the award, while a fourth declined to answer that question because he “feared the black helicopters would get him.” The fifth member could not be reached in his room at the Oslo Home for the Mentally Unbalanced.
Committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland singled out Obama's efforts to heal the divide between the West and the Muslim world and scale down a Bush-era proposal for an anti-missile shield in Europe.
"All these things have contributed to – I wouldn't say a safer world – but a world with less tension," Jagland said Tuesday. “Obama is like a massage that you get at an Oriental Bath House with a Happy Ending thrown in!”
"Alfred Nobel wrote that the prize should go to the person who has contributed most to the development of peace in the previous year," Jagland said. "Who has done more for that than Barack Obama? And, besides, if we didn't give it to Obama we knew Kanye would be upset.”
Asked to comment on the uproar after Friday's announcement, three members of the five-seat committee rejected the notion that Obama hadn't accomplished anything to deserve the award, while a fourth declined to answer that question because he “feared the black helicopters would get him.” The fifth member could not be reached in his room at the Oslo Home for the Mentally Unbalanced.
Call Me Al...
ACORN is in hot water again after a recently released video shows members of the organization offering financial advice to undercover filmmakers posing as members of the terror group Al Qaeda.
The film shows the same man and woman team, James O'Keefe and Hannah Giles, who posed as a pimp and a prostitute in other undercover videos, attempting to solicit funds from ACORN to finance the purchase of a local convenience store.
“We told them (ACORN) that we needed to buy a store we could use as a front for our “operations,” filmmaker O’Keefe stated in an interview with FOX News. “When they asked us what our “operations” were we told them that we were in the business of providing a means for young Muslim men to meet seventy-two virgins. They thought we were opening a brothel and started giving us tax advice.”
The video shows the filmmaker, dressed in middle eastern attire, and his female partner, dressed in a burkha, asking questions of ACORN employees in their Washington D.C. office.
“I told them I was Al Qaeda,” O’Keefe stated. “They wanted to know if Qaeda was spelled with a “C” or a “K”. “
The film shows the same man and woman team, James O'Keefe and Hannah Giles, who posed as a pimp and a prostitute in other undercover videos, attempting to solicit funds from ACORN to finance the purchase of a local convenience store.
“We told them (ACORN) that we needed to buy a store we could use as a front for our “operations,” filmmaker O’Keefe stated in an interview with FOX News. “When they asked us what our “operations” were we told them that we were in the business of providing a means for young Muslim men to meet seventy-two virgins. They thought we were opening a brothel and started giving us tax advice.”
The video shows the filmmaker, dressed in middle eastern attire, and his female partner, dressed in a burkha, asking questions of ACORN employees in their Washington D.C. office.
“I told them I was Al Qaeda,” O’Keefe stated. “They wanted to know if Qaeda was spelled with a “C” or a “K”. “
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Just Beat It
Michael Jackson’s return to the airwaves Monday with a new song from a two disc CD, “This Is IT” has caused quite a lot of buzz in the music industry. Not for the music but for the CD cover, which features a sequined gloved hand, grabbing what appears to be a rather large male crotch.
“I never knew Michael was so well endowed!” a stunned Brooke Shields said in an interview with PEOPLE magazine. “If “IT” was that big it is amazing he was able to walk, let alone moonwalk.”
First wife Lisa Marie Presley, in an interview with In Touch magazine, commented that “even though he (Michael) was my husband we never “did the deed” if you know what I mean. I never even saw him naked. And he always slept in that air chamber thing so it wasn’t like I had a chance to even get close to “IT”.”
Debbie Rowe, Jackson's other ex wife and mother of two of Jackson’s three children, told the National Enquirer that "IT sure looks bigger than the test tube his kids all came outta!"
Legendary actress and long time Jackson supporter Elizabeth Taylor issued a written statement. “While I never had the occasion to actually see “IT” I do recall several occasions where I saw Bubbles the Chimp walking with a very serious limp.”
“I never knew Michael was so well endowed!” a stunned Brooke Shields said in an interview with PEOPLE magazine. “If “IT” was that big it is amazing he was able to walk, let alone moonwalk.”
First wife Lisa Marie Presley, in an interview with In Touch magazine, commented that “even though he (Michael) was my husband we never “did the deed” if you know what I mean. I never even saw him naked. And he always slept in that air chamber thing so it wasn’t like I had a chance to even get close to “IT”.”
Debbie Rowe, Jackson's other ex wife and mother of two of Jackson’s three children, told the National Enquirer that "IT sure looks bigger than the test tube his kids all came outta!"
Legendary actress and long time Jackson supporter Elizabeth Taylor issued a written statement. “While I never had the occasion to actually see “IT” I do recall several occasions where I saw Bubbles the Chimp walking with a very serious limp.”
Sly like a ...
In an attempt to ease growing tension with the White House the chairman of the FOX News channel has announced that it is offering President Obama a starring role in one of its most popular prime time television shows.
“We want to show that we are willing to work with the White House. So we are offering Obama a role playing the President of the United States on the next season of “24,” Roger Ailes, chairman of Fox News Network stated in an interview with the Washington Times.
“We have tailored the role to make him as comfortable as possible. He will play a president trying to deal with major financial crises at home and military conflicts overseas. All the while he is being harassed by the show’s main character, Jack Bauer, who has intelligence leading him to believe that the president is actually a Kenyan covert operative trying to turn the United States into a socialist country.”
Ailes points out that since the series is twenty four episodes long the character of Jack Bauer will have ample opportunities to delve deep into all branches of the government gathering clues to help him build the case against Obama.
“I do not want to give too much away but in one episode Jack will play a pimp and Chloe will play a prostitute as they attempt to find evidence at a Washington D.C. office of ACORN," Ailes stated. “And in another episode Jack is captured and is interrogated by Barney Frank. All I can say is Jack had better watch his ass.”
Ailes was asked if there was any truth in the rumor that if Obama agrees to play president the part of Jack Bauer would be played by FOX host Glenn Beck. “While I would love to see that might be a deal breaker. But I can confirm that the role of Vice President will be played by Homer Simpson.”
“We want to show that we are willing to work with the White House. So we are offering Obama a role playing the President of the United States on the next season of “24,” Roger Ailes, chairman of Fox News Network stated in an interview with the Washington Times.
“We have tailored the role to make him as comfortable as possible. He will play a president trying to deal with major financial crises at home and military conflicts overseas. All the while he is being harassed by the show’s main character, Jack Bauer, who has intelligence leading him to believe that the president is actually a Kenyan covert operative trying to turn the United States into a socialist country.”
Ailes points out that since the series is twenty four episodes long the character of Jack Bauer will have ample opportunities to delve deep into all branches of the government gathering clues to help him build the case against Obama.
“I do not want to give too much away but in one episode Jack will play a pimp and Chloe will play a prostitute as they attempt to find evidence at a Washington D.C. office of ACORN," Ailes stated. “And in another episode Jack is captured and is interrogated by Barney Frank. All I can say is Jack had better watch his ass.”
Ailes was asked if there was any truth in the rumor that if Obama agrees to play president the part of Jack Bauer would be played by FOX host Glenn Beck. “While I would love to see that might be a deal breaker. But I can confirm that the role of Vice President will be played by Homer Simpson.”
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Summer Olympic Sports, Chicago Style
Aquatics – Participants swim the Chicago River and try to avoid the rain of human waste from Dave Matthew’s tour bus
Cycling – Held on the streets of Chicago, with points awarded for stylistic pot hole jumping
Equestrian – Watch for discounted Chicago Style Dogs after this event concludes
Fencing – Entrants compete for the quickest time as they climb over fences attempting to outrun the Chicago Police.
Football – Da Bears Win! Let's go to Ditka's...
Shooting – Only gang members may compete in this event since law abiding citizens are not allowed to own guns in Chicago.
Wrestling – Two participants, a mugger and a pedestrian, struggle over a wallet (purses used for female contestants)
Basketball – Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls!!!!
Tennis – Look for a mixed doubles match with the US team consisting of Serena Williams and Reverend Jeremiah Wright.
Gymnastics – Even though the French judges will try to screw our gymnasts with low scores Mayor Daley will make sure that the judges learn “the Chicago Way”
Cycling – Held on the streets of Chicago, with points awarded for stylistic pot hole jumping
Equestrian – Watch for discounted Chicago Style Dogs after this event concludes
Fencing – Entrants compete for the quickest time as they climb over fences attempting to outrun the Chicago Police.
Football – Da Bears Win! Let's go to Ditka's...
Shooting – Only gang members may compete in this event since law abiding citizens are not allowed to own guns in Chicago.
Wrestling – Two participants, a mugger and a pedestrian, struggle over a wallet (purses used for female contestants)
Basketball – Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls!!!!
Tennis – Look for a mixed doubles match with the US team consisting of Serena Williams and Reverend Jeremiah Wright.
Gymnastics – Even though the French judges will try to screw our gymnasts with low scores Mayor Daley will make sure that the judges learn “the Chicago Way”
Friday, September 25, 2009
Cup of Boom
Iran told a U.N. nuclear watchdog group that it is stopping its nuclear program and putting all of its efforts in to a new endeavour – a nationwide chain of coffee shops, the Associated Press and New York Times reported on Friday.
The chain, called “Jihad Java”, will soon open in most major cities of the country.
“We are no longer seeking to blow people up with nuclear bombs. From now on our goal is to make their taste buds explode with delight!” Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki announced Friday.
“We have 50,000 centrifuges that we used to use for uranium enrichment. Now they will be converted into espresso machines”.
Unnamed sources told the newspaper that U.S. officials have been tracking the secret coffee house project for years, but Iran only recently discovered the West had been monitoring the project.
Asked why the coffee shops buildings, which are barely 1000 sq ft in size, are being built on top of 30 ft thick concrete slabs with steel access doors several feet thick that lead to cavernous underground facilities, Mottaki told the times “We need the storage space. We intend to make A LOT of coffee.”
President Obama was encouraged by the announcement. “I am glad to see that the Iranians have taken our advice and stopped their nuclear program. I am looking forward to having a White Chocolate Mocha with Mahmoud when I visit Tehran next month.
The chain, called “Jihad Java”, will soon open in most major cities of the country.
“We are no longer seeking to blow people up with nuclear bombs. From now on our goal is to make their taste buds explode with delight!” Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki announced Friday.
“We have 50,000 centrifuges that we used to use for uranium enrichment. Now they will be converted into espresso machines”.
Unnamed sources told the newspaper that U.S. officials have been tracking the secret coffee house project for years, but Iran only recently discovered the West had been monitoring the project.
Asked why the coffee shops buildings, which are barely 1000 sq ft in size, are being built on top of 30 ft thick concrete slabs with steel access doors several feet thick that lead to cavernous underground facilities, Mottaki told the times “We need the storage space. We intend to make A LOT of coffee.”
President Obama was encouraged by the announcement. “I am glad to see that the Iranians have taken our advice and stopped their nuclear program. I am looking forward to having a White Chocolate Mocha with Mahmoud when I visit Tehran next month.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Iran So Far Away
President Barack Obama has enlisted an unlikely ally in his fight to pass his health care reform bill – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
“I have been struggling to get my word out to the American people about health care reform. Then I saw Mahmoud and the idea just came to me.” Obama said. “He is a very persuasive speaker. Not only can he help us on healthcare but we get the added bonus of putting a local face on our Middle Eastern policy”
Plans are being made for Ahmadinejad to address the American people next Wednesday in prime time.
“It was a pleasure to do this favor for my Muslim brother,” the Iranian President said through an English interpreter. “And I am looking forward to helping President Barack Hussein Obama implement the changes he has planned so that his country and mine can move forward as partners against Israel.
“Health care is an unfair system that has reached the end of the road and is unable to move,” Ahmadinejad said. “Just like our brothers in Palestine who are forced to live in squalor by the Zionists.”
Ahmadinejad assailed what he called “despicable forms of intimidation and deceit in the name of blocking change.” “It is no longer possible to humiliate people and impose double standards on them with regards to health care. Death to Israel!”
“Do not listen to the capitalist insurance companies and Republicans who speak of Death Panels. These panels, much like the so called Holocaust, did not and will not happen. And of course our nuclear ambitions are peaceful. Allahu Akbar.”
“I have been struggling to get my word out to the American people about health care reform. Then I saw Mahmoud and the idea just came to me.” Obama said. “He is a very persuasive speaker. Not only can he help us on healthcare but we get the added bonus of putting a local face on our Middle Eastern policy”
Plans are being made for Ahmadinejad to address the American people next Wednesday in prime time.
“It was a pleasure to do this favor for my Muslim brother,” the Iranian President said through an English interpreter. “And I am looking forward to helping President Barack Hussein Obama implement the changes he has planned so that his country and mine can move forward as partners against Israel.
“Health care is an unfair system that has reached the end of the road and is unable to move,” Ahmadinejad said. “Just like our brothers in Palestine who are forced to live in squalor by the Zionists.”
Ahmadinejad assailed what he called “despicable forms of intimidation and deceit in the name of blocking change.” “It is no longer possible to humiliate people and impose double standards on them with regards to health care. Death to Israel!”
“Do not listen to the capitalist insurance companies and Republicans who speak of Death Panels. These panels, much like the so called Holocaust, did not and will not happen. And of course our nuclear ambitions are peaceful. Allahu Akbar.”
A Match Made in the SouthSide
A new book, "Barack and Michelle: A Portrait of an American Marriage" by Christopher Anderson, sheds light on the Obama campaign and on the dynamics of the president's relationship with the first lady Michelle Obama
“I talked to people who knew them throughout their lives, in Chicago, Hawaii, even in Kenya,” Anderson revealed. “I was able to locate the doctor there who delivered our president into this world. He had some marvelous stories to tell!”
According to the author, it was apparently Michelle who convinced her husband to adopt the campaign slogan "Yes We Can."
“He (the president) wanted to go with “Who U Wit?” but Michelle thought that would be too hard for white America to understand.
And it was Michelle who vetoed Hillary Clinton as vice-presidential candidate. She reportedly told her husband, quote: "Hillary down the hall from you in the White House is bad enough. But Bill Clinton? Oh Hell No! I shouldn’t have to lock my bedroom door in the dam White House!"
Barack has said over and over again “when I make an important decision, she is the person I go to,” Anderson writes. “She is my chief counselor, my chief adviser. She tells me what to say. I call her my chocolate teleprompter”
“I talked to people who knew them throughout their lives, in Chicago, Hawaii, even in Kenya,” Anderson revealed. “I was able to locate the doctor there who delivered our president into this world. He had some marvelous stories to tell!”
According to the author, it was apparently Michelle who convinced her husband to adopt the campaign slogan "Yes We Can."
“He (the president) wanted to go with “Who U Wit?” but Michelle thought that would be too hard for white America to understand.
And it was Michelle who vetoed Hillary Clinton as vice-presidential candidate. She reportedly told her husband, quote: "Hillary down the hall from you in the White House is bad enough. But Bill Clinton? Oh Hell No! I shouldn’t have to lock my bedroom door in the dam White House!"
Barack has said over and over again “when I make an important decision, she is the person I go to,” Anderson writes. “She is my chief counselor, my chief adviser. She tells me what to say. I call her my chocolate teleprompter”
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Getting Out While the Getting is Good
In an unprecedented turn of events the general in charge of US Forces in Afghanistan has halted all military operations and has ordered all troops out of the country and back to their bases in the United States.
Gen. Stanley McChrystal issued the orders after the responses he received from the White House regarding a pending request for an additional 30,000-40,000 troops, and his dire assessment of the Afghan campaign.
“When I called they put me on hold for an hour, which is bad enough. But the entire time I had to listen to rap music. That is worse than waterboarding,” the general stated.
When he finally talked to the President the message he got was unexpected. “I figured after all the speeches during the presidential campaign about how important Afghanistan was that my requests would be granted. But all the president talked about was hope and change and how Bush is losing the war for us.”
After speaking with the president, McChrystal was transferred to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. “I was told by Mr. Emanuel that a plan for Afghanistan was being developed by Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. After I finished laughing, I had him repeat who was developing the plan a couple of times, just to make sure he wasn’t pulling my leg. He wasn’t. So I pulled the troops out.”
Asked what his next move would be McChrystal was noncommittal. “I do not know for sure. If someone in Washington actually comes up with a decent plan we’ll go back in. But with this bunch, figure the odds. So I’ll probably give the troops a month or two of rest before our next operation. Right now I am drawing up plans for the invasion of Daytona Beach.”
Gen. Stanley McChrystal issued the orders after the responses he received from the White House regarding a pending request for an additional 30,000-40,000 troops, and his dire assessment of the Afghan campaign.
“When I called they put me on hold for an hour, which is bad enough. But the entire time I had to listen to rap music. That is worse than waterboarding,” the general stated.
When he finally talked to the President the message he got was unexpected. “I figured after all the speeches during the presidential campaign about how important Afghanistan was that my requests would be granted. But all the president talked about was hope and change and how Bush is losing the war for us.”
After speaking with the president, McChrystal was transferred to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. “I was told by Mr. Emanuel that a plan for Afghanistan was being developed by Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. After I finished laughing, I had him repeat who was developing the plan a couple of times, just to make sure he wasn’t pulling my leg. He wasn’t. So I pulled the troops out.”
Asked what his next move would be McChrystal was noncommittal. “I do not know for sure. If someone in Washington actually comes up with a decent plan we’ll go back in. But with this bunch, figure the odds. So I’ll probably give the troops a month or two of rest before our next operation. Right now I am drawing up plans for the invasion of Daytona Beach.”
Been There, Done That
While it is not uncommon for networks to develop TV shows covering the same topic (hospitals, law firms, cop shows, etc.) it is very uncommon for a TV network to take a competing networks new show, flip it around 180 degrees and put it in the same time slot as the show they are imitating. But this fall season FOX has done just that.
This Thursday FOX will premiere “Flashback” a show with a very similar premise to an ABC show “Flash-forward.” When called on the similarities of the two shows FOX executives were quick to point out the differences. “Flash-forward is set in present day and is about everyone flashing forward a couple of minutes then having memories of a future they haven’t lived. In Flashback we send everyone back to 1979 and have them live in that year.”
“Our show is like a bad trip down memory lane. In 1979 unemployment was in double digits, our economy was in the toilet, our foreign policy was a joke, lousy music ruled the radio, and we had a Democrat in the White House. So really it is very similar to the way things are now.”
Asked how they came up with their idea the producers said they did not plagiarize anything from the ABC show. “There show is about seeing the future. It is more of a fantasy drama. Our show is about present day and how we have lived with this kind of misery before. So our show is more like “Ground Hog Day in Hell.”
This Thursday FOX will premiere “Flashback” a show with a very similar premise to an ABC show “Flash-forward.” When called on the similarities of the two shows FOX executives were quick to point out the differences. “Flash-forward is set in present day and is about everyone flashing forward a couple of minutes then having memories of a future they haven’t lived. In Flashback we send everyone back to 1979 and have them live in that year.”
“Our show is like a bad trip down memory lane. In 1979 unemployment was in double digits, our economy was in the toilet, our foreign policy was a joke, lousy music ruled the radio, and we had a Democrat in the White House. So really it is very similar to the way things are now.”
Asked how they came up with their idea the producers said they did not plagiarize anything from the ABC show. “There show is about seeing the future. It is more of a fantasy drama. Our show is about present day and how we have lived with this kind of misery before. So our show is more like “Ground Hog Day in Hell.”
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Color Me Confused
Addressing suggestions that recent criticism of his health care reform efforts has been grounded in racism, President Obama this afternoon quipped, "I think it's important to realize that I was actually black before the election. Now I am white."
The comment, which the president made in an afternoon taping of "The Late Show," promoted laughter, then shock from the audience.
"How long have you been a white man?” host David Letterman responded.
Mr. Obama replied that “ever since the notion that racism is playing a role in the criticism my policies are receiving, I have decided to be a white man. My mom was white, my dad was black. I will play whatever color gets me votes.”
The Letterman interview opened with Mr. Obama mentioning that an audience member had brought a heart-shaped potato to the taping. After Letterman retrieved the potato, the smiling president deadpanned, "That's remarkable. This is remarkable. After my healthcare plan passes, and you try to get a heart transplant, this is exactly what you will receive.”
"One of the things that you sign up for in politics is that folks yell at you," the president said. "Whenever a president doesn’t really have a clue what he is doing, fumbles around trying to bring about significant changes that will bankrupt the country, and keeps the American people in a state of perpetual economic unease, there will be a certain segment of the population that gets very riled up."
Mr. Obama said that the economy was improving but that employment was lagging behind.
"Unemployment is still going to be a big problem for at least another year," he said, “For me it will be a problem in three years."
The comment, which the president made in an afternoon taping of "The Late Show," promoted laughter, then shock from the audience.
"How long have you been a white man?” host David Letterman responded.
Mr. Obama replied that “ever since the notion that racism is playing a role in the criticism my policies are receiving, I have decided to be a white man. My mom was white, my dad was black. I will play whatever color gets me votes.”
The Letterman interview opened with Mr. Obama mentioning that an audience member had brought a heart-shaped potato to the taping. After Letterman retrieved the potato, the smiling president deadpanned, "That's remarkable. This is remarkable. After my healthcare plan passes, and you try to get a heart transplant, this is exactly what you will receive.”
"One of the things that you sign up for in politics is that folks yell at you," the president said. "Whenever a president doesn’t really have a clue what he is doing, fumbles around trying to bring about significant changes that will bankrupt the country, and keeps the American people in a state of perpetual economic unease, there will be a certain segment of the population that gets very riled up."
Mr. Obama said that the economy was improving but that employment was lagging behind.
"Unemployment is still going to be a big problem for at least another year," he said, “For me it will be a problem in three years."
White Cane Required
While not coming out and saying it the White House has implied that it is concerned about New York Governor David Paterson's bid for a full term. It is worried that an unpopular governor could lose and drag down the Democrat ticket, putting Senate and House seats in the state in jeopardy.
“We would hope that he (Patterson) would not be blinded by his own political ambition,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated in his daily press briefing.
Presidential Advisor David Axelrod echoed the White House stance. “It is important to keep our eyes on the prize. Victory is in sight. Governor Patterson needs to step aside and let some one with the right vision for the state of New York take the lead.”
“President Obama had nothing negative to say Monday when we met,” Patterson stated in an interview with the Albany Post. “But I just can’t see him supporting me.”
“We would hope that he (Patterson) would not be blinded by his own political ambition,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated in his daily press briefing.
Presidential Advisor David Axelrod echoed the White House stance. “It is important to keep our eyes on the prize. Victory is in sight. Governor Patterson needs to step aside and let some one with the right vision for the state of New York take the lead.”
“President Obama had nothing negative to say Monday when we met,” Patterson stated in an interview with the Albany Post. “But I just can’t see him supporting me.”
Monday, September 21, 2009
Up in Smoke
Excitement turned to horror at the Primetime Emmy awards when several actors were maimed and killed by the Black Smoke Monster from the ABC series LOST.
The mysterious creature, called “Smoky” by fans of the show, appeared shortly after LOST actor Michael Emerson won the Best Supporting Actor in a Drama series Emmy for his portrayal of Benjamin Linus.
“I do not know how this happened but I must blame myself,” Emerson claimed in an interview. “I had just received the award. I was so overcome with emotion that I requested a bottle of water. But the water I was given was one of those sweetened types, which I despise. So I found a floor drain backstage and poured the contents in. Then all hell broke loose.”
Emmy host Neal Patrick Harris received massive injuries from the attack. “I heard something that sounded like a subway train,” Harris recalled. “Then all of a sudden this smoke was surrounding me and I saw flashes of scenes from Doogie Houser and the Harold and Kumar movies. Next thing I know I am being dragged up the aisles by my arm. Kiefer (Sutherland) grabbed my legs and tried to help me but then my arm was pulled off.”
“It surrounded me and showed me scenes of my portrayal of Sarah Palin on SNL,” 30 Rock actress Tina Fey recalled. “My dress got tore off and I had Neal Patrick Harris’s arm shoved up my ass. Did it hurt? You betcha!”
Another 30 Rock actor did not survive his attack. “It surrounded Alec (Baldwin),” Fey recalls. “I heard his voice shouting ‘Pick up the goddamn phone!’ and ‘I'm a good father, and you're a pig!’ Then it tore him limb from limb."
The attack continued for several minutes and only stopped when an intoxicated Kanye West stumbled into the room, looked at the creature and shouted “Yo, Smokey,, I'm really happy for you, I'ma Let you finish, but if anybody gonna bust up this show it me!” The creature surrounded West, turned white, then flew quickly away.
The mysterious creature, called “Smoky” by fans of the show, appeared shortly after LOST actor Michael Emerson won the Best Supporting Actor in a Drama series Emmy for his portrayal of Benjamin Linus.
“I do not know how this happened but I must blame myself,” Emerson claimed in an interview. “I had just received the award. I was so overcome with emotion that I requested a bottle of water. But the water I was given was one of those sweetened types, which I despise. So I found a floor drain backstage and poured the contents in. Then all hell broke loose.”
Emmy host Neal Patrick Harris received massive injuries from the attack. “I heard something that sounded like a subway train,” Harris recalled. “Then all of a sudden this smoke was surrounding me and I saw flashes of scenes from Doogie Houser and the Harold and Kumar movies. Next thing I know I am being dragged up the aisles by my arm. Kiefer (Sutherland) grabbed my legs and tried to help me but then my arm was pulled off.”
“It surrounded me and showed me scenes of my portrayal of Sarah Palin on SNL,” 30 Rock actress Tina Fey recalled. “My dress got tore off and I had Neal Patrick Harris’s arm shoved up my ass. Did it hurt? You betcha!”
Another 30 Rock actor did not survive his attack. “It surrounded Alec (Baldwin),” Fey recalls. “I heard his voice shouting ‘Pick up the goddamn phone!’ and ‘I'm a good father, and you're a pig!’ Then it tore him limb from limb."
The attack continued for several minutes and only stopped when an intoxicated Kanye West stumbled into the room, looked at the creature and shouted “Yo, Smokey,, I'm really happy for you, I'ma Let you finish, but if anybody gonna bust up this show it me!” The creature surrounded West, turned white, then flew quickly away.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Savvy?
A Somali teenager accused of leading a pirate attack on an American cargo ship off the coast of Africa has been tapped to appear in the next installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.
Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse will appear as Captain Jack Sparrow’s son in the movie, tentatively titled “Pirates of the Caribbean – Son of a Beach!”
“The kid will lead a group of swashbucklers in a failed attempt to hijack the Black Pearl and take Captain Jack hostage,” producer Jerry Bruckheimer said in an interview. “I don’t want to give too much away but let’s just say after Jack gets done with the rest of the young pirates the crew of the Pearl will be swabbing the decks all night cleaning up pirate parts.”
“We find out that Jack’s ship was named after the mother of his son,” a spokesman for Disney studios claimed. “We have Serena Williams playing the boy’s mother. It was a perfect fit. She curses just like a sailor, or in this case, pirate!”
Producer Jerry Bruckheimer denied rumors that Madonna and Angelina Jolie were in the running for the role of Jack Sparrow’s Baby Mama. “First off they are the wrong color so even I can’t pull that one off. But, if they want to adopt the kid after we get done shooting, go for it.”
Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse will appear as Captain Jack Sparrow’s son in the movie, tentatively titled “Pirates of the Caribbean – Son of a Beach!”
“The kid will lead a group of swashbucklers in a failed attempt to hijack the Black Pearl and take Captain Jack hostage,” producer Jerry Bruckheimer said in an interview. “I don’t want to give too much away but let’s just say after Jack gets done with the rest of the young pirates the crew of the Pearl will be swabbing the decks all night cleaning up pirate parts.”
“We find out that Jack’s ship was named after the mother of his son,” a spokesman for Disney studios claimed. “We have Serena Williams playing the boy’s mother. It was a perfect fit. She curses just like a sailor, or in this case, pirate!”
Producer Jerry Bruckheimer denied rumors that Madonna and Angelina Jolie were in the running for the role of Jack Sparrow’s Baby Mama. “First off they are the wrong color so even I can’t pull that one off. But, if they want to adopt the kid after we get done shooting, go for it.”
Scream Queen
While there is speculation that Nancy Pelosi had a face lift and eye lift she has flatly denied the rumor. That may be difficult now. After being brought to tears recounting anti-gay rallies in the late 1970s that preceded the assassination of two San Francisco political leaders the Speaker of the House’s face split open and fell off.
“She was talking and getting emotional,” FOX News reporter Major Garret stated. “Her cheeks started to wrinkle like she was trying to cry. There was a loud BANG then her face just ripped in two and slid off her skull! It was terrifying!”
Aides immediately rushed to her side. “When it started someone tried to cover her face with a copy of “The New York Times,” Garret recalled. “But that just amplified the noise. It sounded like Jiffy Pop.”
FOX News host Glenn Beck, after viewing the video of the incident, was shocked. “I knew she was cracking up but this is incredible. Guess her face is a new San Andreas Fault line. I know what mask my kids will be wearing for Halloween this year.”
“She was talking and getting emotional,” FOX News reporter Major Garret stated. “Her cheeks started to wrinkle like she was trying to cry. There was a loud BANG then her face just ripped in two and slid off her skull! It was terrifying!”
Aides immediately rushed to her side. “When it started someone tried to cover her face with a copy of “The New York Times,” Garret recalled. “But that just amplified the noise. It sounded like Jiffy Pop.”
FOX News host Glenn Beck, after viewing the video of the incident, was shocked. “I knew she was cracking up but this is incredible. Guess her face is a new San Andreas Fault line. I know what mask my kids will be wearing for Halloween this year.”
Money for Nothing
Michael Jackson's estate is paying his mother more than $86,000 a month to cover her living expenses and those of his three children, according to papers filed yesterday in probate court.
Katherine Jackson, 79, will receive $26,804 a month and control an additional $60,000 for food, clothing, education and entertainment for the children.
“Some folks think “Dam, that’s a lot of money every month for three little children. But these are no ordinary children. They are Michael Jackson’s children,” Mrs. Jackson stated in an interview with US magazine. “In other words, they are freaks.”
“It is not an extravagant amount,” claims Jackson family attorney Marissa Jones. “These children have a strict health and eating regiment. It’s not like Mama Jackson can just roll into a Wal-Mart and find caviar cupcakes, Jesus Juice and Chimp Chow,” Jones claimed. “And, besides, Papa Joe burns up most of that money paying for all the Colt 45 Malt liquor and Depends he goes through in a month.”
Katherine Jackson, 79, will receive $26,804 a month and control an additional $60,000 for food, clothing, education and entertainment for the children.
“Some folks think “Dam, that’s a lot of money every month for three little children. But these are no ordinary children. They are Michael Jackson’s children,” Mrs. Jackson stated in an interview with US magazine. “In other words, they are freaks.”
“It is not an extravagant amount,” claims Jackson family attorney Marissa Jones. “These children have a strict health and eating regiment. It’s not like Mama Jackson can just roll into a Wal-Mart and find caviar cupcakes, Jesus Juice and Chimp Chow,” Jones claimed. “And, besides, Papa Joe burns up most of that money paying for all the Colt 45 Malt liquor and Depends he goes through in a month.”
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Turning a trick
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called on California's entertainment community Wednesday to overhaul ACORN, the community organizing group that has recently come under fire in videos produced by conservative activists.
The videos show the group's workers offering advice on how to set up prostitution businesses, the activists have said.
Schwarzenegger sent a letter to Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, stars of the 1980’ hit movies “Pretty Woman” and “American Gigolo” to look into ACORN's activities in California, the Los Angeles Times reported.
The advocacy group was criticized after employees were caught on camera appearing to advise a couple posing as a prostitute and pimp to lie about the woman's profession to get housing help.
“These people came in to ACORN offices expecting expert advice on setting up a whore house. And the service they received was subpar,” Schwarzenegger said. “So I am enlisting the aid of two of Hollywood’s most famous prostitutes to make sure ACORN offices can deliver the proper training and advice on the World’s Oldest Profession.”
Earlier Wednesday, ACORN said it was also ordering an independent investigation into the matter.
ACORN will work with its advisory council to name an independent auditor and investigator, ACORN chief executive Bertha Lewis said in a written statement. “The investigation will examine all the systems and processes called into question by the video”, she said. “To accomplish this we have hired Heidi Fleiss, the Hollywood Madam, to within the next few days conduct staff training.
"The action of a handful of our employees was indefensible. Being a whore is a career that requires lots of hands on training. We now have a new slogan to represent our commitment to pimps and ho's - “ACORN– We put the ‘Pro’ in ‘Prostitution’.”
The videos show the group's workers offering advice on how to set up prostitution businesses, the activists have said.
Schwarzenegger sent a letter to Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, stars of the 1980’ hit movies “Pretty Woman” and “American Gigolo” to look into ACORN's activities in California, the Los Angeles Times reported.
The advocacy group was criticized after employees were caught on camera appearing to advise a couple posing as a prostitute and pimp to lie about the woman's profession to get housing help.
“These people came in to ACORN offices expecting expert advice on setting up a whore house. And the service they received was subpar,” Schwarzenegger said. “So I am enlisting the aid of two of Hollywood’s most famous prostitutes to make sure ACORN offices can deliver the proper training and advice on the World’s Oldest Profession.”
Earlier Wednesday, ACORN said it was also ordering an independent investigation into the matter.
ACORN will work with its advisory council to name an independent auditor and investigator, ACORN chief executive Bertha Lewis said in a written statement. “The investigation will examine all the systems and processes called into question by the video”, she said. “To accomplish this we have hired Heidi Fleiss, the Hollywood Madam, to within the next few days conduct staff training.
"The action of a handful of our employees was indefensible. Being a whore is a career that requires lots of hands on training. We now have a new slogan to represent our commitment to pimps and ho's - “ACORN– We put the ‘Pro’ in ‘Prostitution’.”
Needing a "Time Out"
In an exclusive interview with In Touch magazine Supernanny Jo Frost admits to having an affair with Jon and Kate Plus Eight’s Jon Gosselin.
Frost says she and Jon had sex one time, and that, in the sack, the father of eight "wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best I ever had. I would only give him one star on his achievement board."
The Supernanny said that on their first night together, Gosselin told her: "Whatever you do, don't fall in love with me, because it's going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you. I mean, look at the overbearing bitch I’m married to right now. I am easy."
Frost says they made their way to the “naughty tub” where she was afraid one of the kids would interrupt them. "He told me to relax. Kate duct tapes the kids to their beds once the cameras shut off"
After the kids were safely asleep, they retired to his apartment over the garage where Frost told Gosselin: "Your behavior is very naughty! While I thought this would excite him he just sat there, staring, looking like a whipped puppy dog. Just like on the show. It was cute in a pathetic sort of way."
When it was over Frost said Gosselin was disappointed. “He said “I love you, Fran. I told him ‘No, Jon, my name is Jo.’ He thought he had just slept with Fran Dresher”.
Frost says she and Jon had sex one time, and that, in the sack, the father of eight "wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best I ever had. I would only give him one star on his achievement board."
The Supernanny said that on their first night together, Gosselin told her: "Whatever you do, don't fall in love with me, because it's going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you. I mean, look at the overbearing bitch I’m married to right now. I am easy."
Frost says they made their way to the “naughty tub” where she was afraid one of the kids would interrupt them. "He told me to relax. Kate duct tapes the kids to their beds once the cameras shut off"
After the kids were safely asleep, they retired to his apartment over the garage where Frost told Gosselin: "Your behavior is very naughty! While I thought this would excite him he just sat there, staring, looking like a whipped puppy dog. Just like on the show. It was cute in a pathetic sort of way."
When it was over Frost said Gosselin was disappointed. “He said “I love you, Fran. I told him ‘No, Jon, my name is Jo.’ He thought he had just slept with Fran Dresher”.
Game On
President Obama phoned the leaders of the Czech Republic and Poland to tell them the U.S. intends to "withdraw from its missile defense project in the Czech Republic and Poland" that has angered Russia. Instead of giving the countries radar screens and rockets President Barack Obama has decided to provide each country with a Nintendo Wii system with Madden 2010.
“Nobody knows if Iran will someday have nuclear bombs and launch them on missiles towards Europe,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters. “But with the Wii system these countries can launch bombs of their own, playing as Tom Brady or Brett Favre!”
"It is most unfortunate that the U.S. administration will scrap the missile defense project," said Jaroslaw Gowin, a lawmaker with Poland's ruling Civic Platform party. "But the U.S. alternative will provide our country hours upon hours of gaming entertainment. And, besides, if Iran launches nukes they will be flying over our heads, on their way to some important country."
Alexei Arbatov, head of the Russian Academy of Science's Center for International Security, told a Moscow radio station Thursday that the new plan was an indication the U.S was giving in on missile defense to get more cooperation from Russia on Iran.
"The United States believes this action will make Russia take a harder line on Iranian sanctions. Of course, that will not be the case”, Arbatov stated. “Sure, we hate Iranians as much as the next guy. But we love watching the Yankee Dogs in Washington squirm over whether or not Iran will get nukes. And, to be honest, we thought we would never see a president more inept at foreign policy than that idiot Jimmy Carter. But we were mistaken. Obama makes Carter look like Ronald Reagan! It’s hilarious.”
“Nobody knows if Iran will someday have nuclear bombs and launch them on missiles towards Europe,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters. “But with the Wii system these countries can launch bombs of their own, playing as Tom Brady or Brett Favre!”
"It is most unfortunate that the U.S. administration will scrap the missile defense project," said Jaroslaw Gowin, a lawmaker with Poland's ruling Civic Platform party. "But the U.S. alternative will provide our country hours upon hours of gaming entertainment. And, besides, if Iran launches nukes they will be flying over our heads, on their way to some important country."
Alexei Arbatov, head of the Russian Academy of Science's Center for International Security, told a Moscow radio station Thursday that the new plan was an indication the U.S was giving in on missile defense to get more cooperation from Russia on Iran.
"The United States believes this action will make Russia take a harder line on Iranian sanctions. Of course, that will not be the case”, Arbatov stated. “Sure, we hate Iranians as much as the next guy. But we love watching the Yankee Dogs in Washington squirm over whether or not Iran will get nukes. And, to be honest, we thought we would never see a president more inept at foreign policy than that idiot Jimmy Carter. But we were mistaken. Obama makes Carter look like Ronald Reagan! It’s hilarious.”
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Fourth and really long
It’s going to be awfully hard to avoid President Obama on television this Sunday. The president is going to be the starting quarterback for six different NFL teams
“We need to get the word out about the president’s health care plan to anyone who may have missed the 100 plus speeches the President has already given on the topic,” presidential spokesperson David Axelrod said in an interview with MSNBC. “And since the average Joe Six Pack watches football instead of political speeches we think this method of spreading the word will be quite effective.”
“Mr. Obama has skills at shooting hoops but his ability to throw a football has not been seen,” Fox Sports analyst and former NFL quarterback Terri Bradshaw said in a phone interview. “But then again he wasn’t qualified to be President and he’s doing that job. Sorta.”
“The President will play on each team’s opening drive, changing jerseys after each drive.” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs stated during his daily press briefing. “His uniform number will of course be “1” and instead of his name the jersey will have “VOTE YES” on it.”
Gibbs was asked if the President is concerned about getting tackled by a huge football player. “We have told the teams that no one touches the President. Whoever tries better be wearing a Kevlar helmet.”
“We need to get the word out about the president’s health care plan to anyone who may have missed the 100 plus speeches the President has already given on the topic,” presidential spokesperson David Axelrod said in an interview with MSNBC. “And since the average Joe Six Pack watches football instead of political speeches we think this method of spreading the word will be quite effective.”
“Mr. Obama has skills at shooting hoops but his ability to throw a football has not been seen,” Fox Sports analyst and former NFL quarterback Terri Bradshaw said in a phone interview. “But then again he wasn’t qualified to be President and he’s doing that job. Sorta.”
“The President will play on each team’s opening drive, changing jerseys after each drive.” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs stated during his daily press briefing. “His uniform number will of course be “1” and instead of his name the jersey will have “VOTE YES” on it.”
Gibbs was asked if the President is concerned about getting tackled by a huge football player. “We have told the teams that no one touches the President. Whoever tries better be wearing a Kevlar helmet.”
Sometimes you feel like a peanut
Former President Jimmy Carter said Tuesday that protests and outbursts directed against President Obama are rooted in fears of a black president.
"I think it's based on racism," Carter said in response to an audience question at a town hall held at his presidential center in Atlanta. "There is an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president. Or win the ‘Best Female Video Award’ at the Video Music Awards."
“My presidency and President Obama's are quite similar. Skyrocketing unemployment, economy in the toilet, weak on foreign policy,” Carter explained. “But you didn’t have thousands of Americans driving across the country to Washington to march against my administration. So it must be a racial thing. Or it might have been that whole ‘gas rationing’ thing when I was President.”
The Georgia Democrat offered some words of encouragement for the current President. "If they would let me talk to him I would tell him that no matter how inept, misguided or out of touch with reality his presidency may be people still have to respect the office of President. And, hey, I won’t live forever, so when he is voted out in 2012, after failing miserably, he can always take over my ‘Habitat for Humanity’ gig.”
"I think it's based on racism," Carter said in response to an audience question at a town hall held at his presidential center in Atlanta. "There is an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president. Or win the ‘Best Female Video Award’ at the Video Music Awards."
“My presidency and President Obama's are quite similar. Skyrocketing unemployment, economy in the toilet, weak on foreign policy,” Carter explained. “But you didn’t have thousands of Americans driving across the country to Washington to march against my administration. So it must be a racial thing. Or it might have been that whole ‘gas rationing’ thing when I was President.”
The Georgia Democrat offered some words of encouragement for the current President. "If they would let me talk to him I would tell him that no matter how inept, misguided or out of touch with reality his presidency may be people still have to respect the office of President. And, hey, I won’t live forever, so when he is voted out in 2012, after failing miserably, he can always take over my ‘Habitat for Humanity’ gig.”
Liar, Liar
Kanye West tried to use Jay Leno's prime-time television debut Monday to offer another apology for ruining Taylor Swift's night at the MTV Video Music Awards. But as he tried to offer up the apology he was interrupted by an unlikely audience member – South Carolina Congressman Joe Smith.
"I'm just ashamed that my hurt caused someone else's hurt and I don't try to justify it because I was just in the wrong. It was rude, period," West said.
Before West could continue Smith stood up and shouted “You Lie!” Leno looked surprised. West put down his bottle of cognac, stood up and shouted “You’re just like Bush! You don't care about black people!"
“President Obama is having a negative influence on the country. He lies and I am the only one to call him on it.” Smith claimed after the show. “So from now on I am going to make it my responsibility to point out every time an African American celebrity lies. My next stop is the Oprah show.”
"I'm just ashamed that my hurt caused someone else's hurt and I don't try to justify it because I was just in the wrong. It was rude, period," West said.
Before West could continue Smith stood up and shouted “You Lie!” Leno looked surprised. West put down his bottle of cognac, stood up and shouted “You’re just like Bush! You don't care about black people!"
“President Obama is having a negative influence on the country. He lies and I am the only one to call him on it.” Smith claimed after the show. “So from now on I am going to make it my responsibility to point out every time an African American celebrity lies. My next stop is the Oprah show.”
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Game, Set, Smack
After a profanity-laced tirade at a U.S. Open linesperson Serena Williams was arrested by none other than Cambridge Massachusetts policeman and recent White House Beer Summit attendee James Crowley
Officer Crowley, who was attending the match with his family, did not immediately take action. “I saw what she (Williams) was doing and wanted to act but my wife told me that after that Professor Gates crap I shouldn’t get involved. But Serena looked like she was gonna take her racket and beat the (expletive) out of that little Asian lady. And if I didn’t do anything I would have caught hell. So I was screwed either way.”
After being called for a foot fault Williams stepped toward the official, screaming and cursing. "If I could, I would take this (expletive) ball and shove it down your (explicative) throat," Williams said, according to a tennis official who watched a replay Saturday night. “I have had it with these mother(expletive) balls on this mother(expletive) tennis court!”
Following her outburst an irate Williams was handcuffed and led off the court. “It was like déjà vu. She started talking about my mom, calling me a racist, blah, blah, blah,” Crowley stated. “Next time I come to a tennis match if a players gets outta line I hope its Maria Sharapova. Wouldn’t mind slappin’ the cuffs on her if you no what I mean!”
Bill Babcock, the top administrator for Grand Slam tournaments, commented on Serena’s behavior. "What she did was unacceptable under any circumstances. With the possible exception of the MTV Video Music awards."
Officer Crowley, who was attending the match with his family, did not immediately take action. “I saw what she (Williams) was doing and wanted to act but my wife told me that after that Professor Gates crap I shouldn’t get involved. But Serena looked like she was gonna take her racket and beat the (expletive) out of that little Asian lady. And if I didn’t do anything I would have caught hell. So I was screwed either way.”
After being called for a foot fault Williams stepped toward the official, screaming and cursing. "If I could, I would take this (expletive) ball and shove it down your (explicative) throat," Williams said, according to a tennis official who watched a replay Saturday night. “I have had it with these mother(expletive) balls on this mother(expletive) tennis court!”
Following her outburst an irate Williams was handcuffed and led off the court. “It was like déjà vu. She started talking about my mom, calling me a racist, blah, blah, blah,” Crowley stated. “Next time I come to a tennis match if a players gets outta line I hope its Maria Sharapova. Wouldn’t mind slappin’ the cuffs on her if you no what I mean!”
Bill Babcock, the top administrator for Grand Slam tournaments, commented on Serena’s behavior. "What she did was unacceptable under any circumstances. With the possible exception of the MTV Video Music awards."
Working Girl
Ashley Dupre, the 24-year-old escort who toppled NY governor Eliot Spitzer, wants to become an author, a singer, and a mother.
"Everyone likes an underdog story, and I have been under some real dogs." she said during an exclusive interview and fashion shoot with The Post."
Dupre is working on a book about love and life. “I am gonna call it “Thighlight. It is a twist on the popular vampire series. Even though there won’t be any vampires in the book there will be lots of sucking"
She's recording pop songs and angling for a record deal. “I am used to getting paid for sex. Now, instead of money, I get an album.”
Dupre released her first single, "On My Knees" on hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons' Web site Global Grind last week. Her second, "Hard to Swallow", debuts tomorrow on nypost.com.
While she's committed to a recording career, her eventual goal is to marry and have children. Right now, however, she remains 100 percent single. “Dating in New York is just so tough. I would like to date a really nice guy who loves kids. If anybody knows Jon Gosselin tell him to give me a call.”
"Everyone likes an underdog story, and I have been under some real dogs." she said during an exclusive interview and fashion shoot with The Post."
Dupre is working on a book about love and life. “I am gonna call it “Thighlight. It is a twist on the popular vampire series. Even though there won’t be any vampires in the book there will be lots of sucking"
She's recording pop songs and angling for a record deal. “I am used to getting paid for sex. Now, instead of money, I get an album.”
Dupre released her first single, "On My Knees" on hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons' Web site Global Grind last week. Her second, "Hard to Swallow", debuts tomorrow on nypost.com.
While she's committed to a recording career, her eventual goal is to marry and have children. Right now, however, she remains 100 percent single. “Dating in New York is just so tough. I would like to date a really nice guy who loves kids. If anybody knows Jon Gosselin tell him to give me a call.”
Bad Rap(per)
President Barack Obama is trying to gather support from lawmakers that were threatening a stalemate similar to what happened when Bill Clinton tried to push through a health care overhaul in the 1990s.
"We will have enough votes to pass a good health care bill. But only if I can get those in the Democrat Party to stop worrying about things like reelection, deficits, their constituents, all of that stuff keeping them from voting yes," Obama said in an interview broadcast Sunday on CBS' "60 Minutes.”
To aid President Barack Obama in passing a bill the White House has announced a new advisor on matters of health care – the “Biz Czar.” This new position will utilize a celebrity from the entertainment business. To fill the position the President has selected rapper Kanye West.
“Kanye is the right guy for the job. He just does not care who he pisses off. Did you see what he did to that little white girl at the VMA’s? We want him to walk into Congress, grab the mike from Nancy (Pelosi) and just “go off”.
Obama was asked why he was so passionate about this bill.
"I'm the one who's going to be held responsible," Obama said. "So I best get it right. Dam, that Beyonce is fine! I’d put a ring on that!" Obama told CBS. "Oh, snap, what the hell am I sayin’? I gotta stop doin cognac shots with Kanye!”
"We will have enough votes to pass a good health care bill. But only if I can get those in the Democrat Party to stop worrying about things like reelection, deficits, their constituents, all of that stuff keeping them from voting yes," Obama said in an interview broadcast Sunday on CBS' "60 Minutes.”
To aid President Barack Obama in passing a bill the White House has announced a new advisor on matters of health care – the “Biz Czar.” This new position will utilize a celebrity from the entertainment business. To fill the position the President has selected rapper Kanye West.
“Kanye is the right guy for the job. He just does not care who he pisses off. Did you see what he did to that little white girl at the VMA’s? We want him to walk into Congress, grab the mike from Nancy (Pelosi) and just “go off”.
Obama was asked why he was so passionate about this bill.
"I'm the one who's going to be held responsible," Obama said. "So I best get it right. Dam, that Beyonce is fine! I’d put a ring on that!" Obama told CBS. "Oh, snap, what the hell am I sayin’? I gotta stop doin cognac shots with Kanye!”
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Idol thoughts
Ellen DeGeneres wants to represent the people on "American Idol as the Fox singing competition's fourth judge.
DeGeneres, who admittedly has no formal music experience, just a passion for tunes, will join Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi on "Idol."
"Hopefully, I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you," DeGeneres said on her syndicated talk show Thursday. "You know, a butch lesbian with a talk show who dances around looking like a Keebler Elf on crack”
Idol producers backed their pick of DeGeneres.
"Beyond her incredible sense of humor and love of music, she brings with her an immense warmth and compassion that is almost palpable," said "Idol" executive producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz in a statement. "“And besides all of our winners have been gay. Ellen will be able to turn on her gaydar, spot the queers and out them early in the competition.”
Idol judge Randy Jackson issued a written statement. “Like, yo, it’s cool and all, but Paula (Abdul) was fine. I best be careful and not be callin’ Ellen ‘dog’.”
Idol’s toughest judge Simon Cowell, in typical fashion, did not mince words. “We already have two male judges. Do we need a female judge who looks like a bloke, dresses like a bloke, but doesn’t like blokes? She better know her place and not come out wearing a black t-shirt.” Cowell was asked if there anything nice he could say about the new Idol judge. “Well, her wife is hot...”
DeGeneres, who admittedly has no formal music experience, just a passion for tunes, will join Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi on "Idol."
"Hopefully, I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you," DeGeneres said on her syndicated talk show Thursday. "You know, a butch lesbian with a talk show who dances around looking like a Keebler Elf on crack”
Idol producers backed their pick of DeGeneres.
"Beyond her incredible sense of humor and love of music, she brings with her an immense warmth and compassion that is almost palpable," said "Idol" executive producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz in a statement. "“And besides all of our winners have been gay. Ellen will be able to turn on her gaydar, spot the queers and out them early in the competition.”
Idol judge Randy Jackson issued a written statement. “Like, yo, it’s cool and all, but Paula (Abdul) was fine. I best be careful and not be callin’ Ellen ‘dog’.”
Idol’s toughest judge Simon Cowell, in typical fashion, did not mince words. “We already have two male judges. Do we need a female judge who looks like a bloke, dresses like a bloke, but doesn’t like blokes? She better know her place and not come out wearing a black t-shirt.” Cowell was asked if there anything nice he could say about the new Idol judge. “Well, her wife is hot...”
I love you, you love me...
In an extraordinary breach of congressional decorum, Rep. Barney Frank, D-MA shouted "I Love You" at President Barack Obama during his speech to Congress Wednesday.
"This evening I let my emotions get the best of me," Frank said in a statement. "But he is so gorgeous. And when I saw him standing up there, the glow of the teleprompter twinkling in those big brown eyes, I went weak in the knees and couldn’t contain myself!”
Frank’s outburst came after Obama said that extending health care to all Americans who seek it would not mean insuring illegal immigrants.
"I Love You!" Frank shouted from his seat on the Democrat side of the chamber.
Republicans froze, with several looking in Frank’s direction.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi directed a large smile at him; first lady Michelle Obama smiled and nodded. Vice President Joe Biden beamed from ear to ear.
Obama, meanwhile, looked toward the outburst and replied, "I know," and went on with his speech.
Obama's Republican rival from last year's presidential race for the White House chided Congressman Frank.
Frank’s behavior was "totally disrespectful," Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., said on CNN. "There is no place for it in that setting, or any other. Not that I have anything against gays. I love gays. I’m bipartisan.”
House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Md., said "I have never in my 29 years heard an outburst of that nature with reference to a president of the United States speaking as a guest of the House and Senate. But it is understandable. Have you seen him (Obama) with his shirt off?”
Hoyer said GOP lawmakers want to punish Frank for the outburst. “They want to censure Barney but I think he would rather be spanked.”
"This evening I let my emotions get the best of me," Frank said in a statement. "But he is so gorgeous. And when I saw him standing up there, the glow of the teleprompter twinkling in those big brown eyes, I went weak in the knees and couldn’t contain myself!”
Frank’s outburst came after Obama said that extending health care to all Americans who seek it would not mean insuring illegal immigrants.
"I Love You!" Frank shouted from his seat on the Democrat side of the chamber.
Republicans froze, with several looking in Frank’s direction.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi directed a large smile at him; first lady Michelle Obama smiled and nodded. Vice President Joe Biden beamed from ear to ear.
Obama, meanwhile, looked toward the outburst and replied, "I know," and went on with his speech.
Obama's Republican rival from last year's presidential race for the White House chided Congressman Frank.
Frank’s behavior was "totally disrespectful," Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., said on CNN. "There is no place for it in that setting, or any other. Not that I have anything against gays. I love gays. I’m bipartisan.”
House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Md., said "I have never in my 29 years heard an outburst of that nature with reference to a president of the United States speaking as a guest of the House and Senate. But it is understandable. Have you seen him (Obama) with his shirt off?”
Hoyer said GOP lawmakers want to punish Frank for the outburst. “They want to censure Barney but I think he would rather be spanked.”
Hard times
The recession is ending and the economy is finally growing again. That's the message implicit in the Federal Reserve's latest survey of businesses around the country. But consumers are not getting the message and are cautious about spending in uncertain times. So the Federal Reserve is trying a new approach – utilizing a certain male body part to explain the state of the economy.
“Everyone either has or has had contact with male genitalia,” said Brian Bethune, economist at IHS Global Insight. “So we are going to use that knowledge to let people know how the country’s fiscal phallus is doing.”
Bethune went on to site an example of the new approach. “Take this headline from the St. Louis Dispatch: ‘Economists warn expansion is limp. More staying power needed.’ This story makes the common citizen aware that the economy is not up where it should be.”
Most regions of the country reflected that the recession was easing. "The recession has been dry humping the country, not allowing it to get big,” Bethune claims. “Consumers need to get a grip on this economy and choke that chicken stiff.”
The survey's findings will figure into discussions when Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke and his colleagues meet Sept. 22-23. The Fed is expected to keep interest rates at record lows, probably for some time, to help nurture the recovery.
“The Obama Administration and Congress better wrap their hands around this economy,” Bethune declared. “If they don’t they might all get a case of ‘Electile Dysfunction’ in 2010.”
“Everyone either has or has had contact with male genitalia,” said Brian Bethune, economist at IHS Global Insight. “So we are going to use that knowledge to let people know how the country’s fiscal phallus is doing.”
Bethune went on to site an example of the new approach. “Take this headline from the St. Louis Dispatch: ‘Economists warn expansion is limp. More staying power needed.’ This story makes the common citizen aware that the economy is not up where it should be.”
Most regions of the country reflected that the recession was easing. "The recession has been dry humping the country, not allowing it to get big,” Bethune claims. “Consumers need to get a grip on this economy and choke that chicken stiff.”
The survey's findings will figure into discussions when Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke and his colleagues meet Sept. 22-23. The Fed is expected to keep interest rates at record lows, probably for some time, to help nurture the recovery.
“The Obama Administration and Congress better wrap their hands around this economy,” Bethune declared. “If they don’t they might all get a case of ‘Electile Dysfunction’ in 2010.”
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Dude, Where's My Car?
In the latest attempt to gain traction on the health care reform issue President Obama has enlisted the aid of a Chicago friend who helped him attain the presidency – Oprah Winfrey.
Obama will broadcast his speech to Congress live from Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago. The street has been blocked off for several days while Oprah made preparations for the season premiere of her long running television show. According to sources close to Ms. Winfrey a special twist will be taking place with this Presidential address to Congress – all the Democratic legislators will receive a brand new car, courtesy of Oprah herself.
“We are calling it “Vehicles for Votes,” and aide to Ms. Winfrey stated. “It is very similar to the car giveaway that Oprah did on one of her past show. This time though the congressman or senator will not receive a vehicle till they cast a ‘Yea’ vote in favor of the Obama Health Care Plan.”
“We aren’t giving away some crappy Pontiac, either. This time it is a new Mercedes Benz, Porsche or Audi. We believe people, and representatives, should have a choice.”
Asked to comment on the situation Republicans were outraged. “This action is totally illegal, immoral and just plain unfair,” Republican Representative Mike Pence stated Wednesday. “We believe a program like this should be bipartisan. We have members in our party who wouldn’t mind getting a sweet new ride! And, at a minimum they should use American made cars.”
Obama will broadcast his speech to Congress live from Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago. The street has been blocked off for several days while Oprah made preparations for the season premiere of her long running television show. According to sources close to Ms. Winfrey a special twist will be taking place with this Presidential address to Congress – all the Democratic legislators will receive a brand new car, courtesy of Oprah herself.
“We are calling it “Vehicles for Votes,” and aide to Ms. Winfrey stated. “It is very similar to the car giveaway that Oprah did on one of her past show. This time though the congressman or senator will not receive a vehicle till they cast a ‘Yea’ vote in favor of the Obama Health Care Plan.”
“We aren’t giving away some crappy Pontiac, either. This time it is a new Mercedes Benz, Porsche or Audi. We believe people, and representatives, should have a choice.”
Asked to comment on the situation Republicans were outraged. “This action is totally illegal, immoral and just plain unfair,” Republican Representative Mike Pence stated Wednesday. “We believe a program like this should be bipartisan. We have members in our party who wouldn’t mind getting a sweet new ride! And, at a minimum they should use American made cars.”
Boldly go where no man wants to go
A White House panel of independent space experts says NASA's return-to-the-moon plan just won't fly.
The problem is money. The expert panel estimates it would cost about $3 billion a year beyond NASA's current $18 billion annual budget.
"Under the budget that was proposed, exploration beyond Earth is not viable," panel member Edward Crawley, a professor of aeronautics at MIT, told The Associated Press Tuesday. “So we have decided to do some planetary exploration right here on earth at the most alien locations we could find. First up – Mission: Detroit.”
“We tried to think of places here in the United States that were desolate, alien, cold, dark, and dank, with a landscape incapable of sustaining human life. Detroit was an obvious, unanimous choice.”
“We plan on using a white Chevy Volt covered in NASA stickers as our version of the “lunar rover.” Instead of “astronauts’ we will have “terranauts” who will explore the vast wasteland of Detroit, collecting data.”
Prior to sending in a manned mission several unmanned probe vehicles have been sent in, gathering samples from the area. “We have retrieved and are studying some very interesting items”, Crawley stated. “Empty crack vials, used condoms, broken 40 oz. malt liquor bottles, and the occasional Obama bumper sticker, still attached to a rusty bumper, have been collected. It is fascinating!”
Crawley hopes that this initial mission will lead to more in the future. “We have been sending out probes to other possible locations. We really want to investigate President Obama’s hometown of Chicago, with special emphasis on the South Side of the city. Unfortunately all of our probes keep getting shot up.”
The problem is money. The expert panel estimates it would cost about $3 billion a year beyond NASA's current $18 billion annual budget.
"Under the budget that was proposed, exploration beyond Earth is not viable," panel member Edward Crawley, a professor of aeronautics at MIT, told The Associated Press Tuesday. “So we have decided to do some planetary exploration right here on earth at the most alien locations we could find. First up – Mission: Detroit.”
“We tried to think of places here in the United States that were desolate, alien, cold, dark, and dank, with a landscape incapable of sustaining human life. Detroit was an obvious, unanimous choice.”
“We plan on using a white Chevy Volt covered in NASA stickers as our version of the “lunar rover.” Instead of “astronauts’ we will have “terranauts” who will explore the vast wasteland of Detroit, collecting data.”
Prior to sending in a manned mission several unmanned probe vehicles have been sent in, gathering samples from the area. “We have retrieved and are studying some very interesting items”, Crawley stated. “Empty crack vials, used condoms, broken 40 oz. malt liquor bottles, and the occasional Obama bumper sticker, still attached to a rusty bumper, have been collected. It is fascinating!”
Crawley hopes that this initial mission will lead to more in the future. “We have been sending out probes to other possible locations. We really want to investigate President Obama’s hometown of Chicago, with special emphasis on the South Side of the city. Unfortunately all of our probes keep getting shot up.”
Going Nuclear
Barack Obama, in an attempt to establish a new co-operative relationship between the US and the United Nations, has assigned former Green jobs czar Van Jones as his representative to chair the 15-member United Nations Security Council nuclear summit.
The topic for discussion on September 24 is nuclear non-proliferation and nuclear disarmament – one of several global challenges that the US now wants to see addressed at a multinational level.
“The council has a very important role to play in preventing the spread and use of nuclear weapons,” Susan Rice, US envoy to the UN, said last week. “We need a bold, fresh, radical approach to nuclear weapons. Van Jones’ experience as Green Jobs czar makes him uniquely qualified to be the voice of the United States at this most important meeting. And besides (Iranian President) Ahmadi-nejad and (Libyan President) Gaddafi will be there. Van Jones has a lot in common with these guys. He speaks their lingo.”
Her remarks were the latest by the Obama administration to emphasize a shift from the strategy of the previous Bush administration.
“They (the Bush Administration) always wanted resolutions passed in the UN that actually meant something. Like when Saddam (Hussein) wouldn’t obey resolutions Bush went to war,” Rice claimed. “The Obama Administration has a different approach. We know that a UN resolution isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
When asked for comment press secretary Robert Gibbs was hopeful that the summit would be productive. “I fully expect to have a resolution from Ahmadi-nejad stating that Iran will dismantle all of its nuclear programs. But we do not really think they will actually do it. It’s the UN for Pete’s sake! See a problem, pass a resolution, problem solved! They’re worse than Congress!”
The topic for discussion on September 24 is nuclear non-proliferation and nuclear disarmament – one of several global challenges that the US now wants to see addressed at a multinational level.
“The council has a very important role to play in preventing the spread and use of nuclear weapons,” Susan Rice, US envoy to the UN, said last week. “We need a bold, fresh, radical approach to nuclear weapons. Van Jones’ experience as Green Jobs czar makes him uniquely qualified to be the voice of the United States at this most important meeting. And besides (Iranian President) Ahmadi-nejad and (Libyan President) Gaddafi will be there. Van Jones has a lot in common with these guys. He speaks their lingo.”
Her remarks were the latest by the Obama administration to emphasize a shift from the strategy of the previous Bush administration.
“They (the Bush Administration) always wanted resolutions passed in the UN that actually meant something. Like when Saddam (Hussein) wouldn’t obey resolutions Bush went to war,” Rice claimed. “The Obama Administration has a different approach. We know that a UN resolution isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
When asked for comment press secretary Robert Gibbs was hopeful that the summit would be productive. “I fully expect to have a resolution from Ahmadi-nejad stating that Iran will dismantle all of its nuclear programs. But we do not really think they will actually do it. It’s the UN for Pete’s sake! See a problem, pass a resolution, problem solved! They’re worse than Congress!”
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Keeping it Really Real
A new show on TLC, “Jon and Date, Minus 8” will star Jon Gosselin and document the father of eight’s escapades as a recently divorced “bachelor out on the town.”
"We film Jon living in New York City, going out on the town with a different lady every night, talking, laughing, and generally enjoying life,” a producer explained. “It is a major departure from the role he plays on ‘Jon and Kate.’”
Kate Gosselin, of the reality hit show “Jon and Kate Plus 8”, is not pleased that her ex-husband has landed a starring role in his own reality TV show.
“It sets a bad example for his kids,” Kate claimed in an interview with People Magazine. “Their father is running around with all of these ‘women” who are only with him for their own monetary gain and to be on TV. I wouldn’t want my kids to be exposed that kind of media scrutiny.”
"We film Jon living in New York City, going out on the town with a different lady every night, talking, laughing, and generally enjoying life,” a producer explained. “It is a major departure from the role he plays on ‘Jon and Kate.’”
Kate Gosselin, of the reality hit show “Jon and Kate Plus 8”, is not pleased that her ex-husband has landed a starring role in his own reality TV show.
“It sets a bad example for his kids,” Kate claimed in an interview with People Magazine. “Their father is running around with all of these ‘women” who are only with him for their own monetary gain and to be on TV. I wouldn’t want my kids to be exposed that kind of media scrutiny.”
Not Hot For Teacher
President Obama plans to tell the nation's school children that they ultimately are most responsible for their own education.
The White House posted Obama's remarks Monday, for a speech scheduled Tuesday, on its Web site.
Obama emphasizes the importance of staying in school.
"And no matter what you want to do with your life -- I guarantee that you'll need an education to do it," he said. “Unless, of course, you want to be a Democrat. In which case you do not have to know anything. All you have to do is wait for somebody, be it a community organizer, your Union leader or someone from the Democratic Party, to tell you what to think.”
"You can't drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You've got to work for it and train for it and learn for it. There are only so many czar positions available"
In the speech Obama avoids any partisan shots and instead encourages students to set goals for their education and to maintain focus in the face of life's challenges. "There is no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or your parents, or your congressman or your President. Our new slogan, which we want all children to adopt is, ‘It’s OK, Just Obey!’”
"Where you are right now doesn't have to determine where you'll end up," he continued. "No one's written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. And, if you end up not liking the story you have written, just rewrite it. Make stuff up. Make up your own history. Whatever makes you feel good. Use your schoolbooks as an example. They have been rewriting history for decades now. "
The White House posted Obama's remarks Monday, for a speech scheduled Tuesday, on its Web site.
Obama emphasizes the importance of staying in school.
"And no matter what you want to do with your life -- I guarantee that you'll need an education to do it," he said. “Unless, of course, you want to be a Democrat. In which case you do not have to know anything. All you have to do is wait for somebody, be it a community organizer, your Union leader or someone from the Democratic Party, to tell you what to think.”
"You can't drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You've got to work for it and train for it and learn for it. There are only so many czar positions available"
In the speech Obama avoids any partisan shots and instead encourages students to set goals for their education and to maintain focus in the face of life's challenges. "There is no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or your parents, or your congressman or your President. Our new slogan, which we want all children to adopt is, ‘It’s OK, Just Obey!’”
"Where you are right now doesn't have to determine where you'll end up," he continued. "No one's written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. And, if you end up not liking the story you have written, just rewrite it. Make stuff up. Make up your own history. Whatever makes you feel good. Use your schoolbooks as an example. They have been rewriting history for decades now. "
Putting the "D" in Decision
The resignation of Obama administration figure Van Jones, following controversies over a petition he had signed and his comments about Republicans, did not come at the request of the president, the White House senior adviser said Sunday.
"Absolutely not -- this was Van Jones' own decision," David Axelrod told NBC's "Meet the Press" when asked if the president had ordered the resignation.
“Haven’t you people figured it out yet? He (Obama) does not make any decisions or give orders. He let Congress write all of “his” bills. Rahm (Emanuel) and I control his every move. The only thing the President orders is the occasional pizza.”
In a written statement Jones explained his decision.
"On the eve of historic fights for health care and clean energy, opponents of reform have mounted a vicious smear campaign against me. They are using my own words, via video and print media, to distract and divide. They are assholes”
The decision followed an uproar over a petition Jones signed in 2004 calling for an investigation into whether government officials deliberately allowed the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks to occur.
An administration source said last week that Jones had not carefully reviewed the language in the petition before signing. “I don’t fault Jones one bit. We don’t even make our congressmen read the legislation they themselves are voting on. And do you think Obama reads the stuff he signs into law?”
Asked whether Jones was the victim of a smear campaign, Axelrod did not say either way, but did say "the political environment is rough, and so, you know, these things get magnified. And since we have the human gaffe machine Joe (Biden) we figured anybody in the administration could do or say just about anything and get away with it."
"Absolutely not -- this was Van Jones' own decision," David Axelrod told NBC's "Meet the Press" when asked if the president had ordered the resignation.
“Haven’t you people figured it out yet? He (Obama) does not make any decisions or give orders. He let Congress write all of “his” bills. Rahm (Emanuel) and I control his every move. The only thing the President orders is the occasional pizza.”
In a written statement Jones explained his decision.
"On the eve of historic fights for health care and clean energy, opponents of reform have mounted a vicious smear campaign against me. They are using my own words, via video and print media, to distract and divide. They are assholes”
The decision followed an uproar over a petition Jones signed in 2004 calling for an investigation into whether government officials deliberately allowed the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks to occur.
An administration source said last week that Jones had not carefully reviewed the language in the petition before signing. “I don’t fault Jones one bit. We don’t even make our congressmen read the legislation they themselves are voting on. And do you think Obama reads the stuff he signs into law?”
Asked whether Jones was the victim of a smear campaign, Axelrod did not say either way, but did say "the political environment is rough, and so, you know, these things get magnified. And since we have the human gaffe machine Joe (Biden) we figured anybody in the administration could do or say just about anything and get away with it."
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Father Knows Bestest
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandchild, said the former Republican vice presidential candidate wanted to adopt his child so that people wouldn't know her 17-year-old daughter was pregnant.
“She (Sarah) was afraid people would consider her a bad mother if her daughter got pregnant and wasn’t married. But girls get knocked up all the time up here in Alaska. It’s colder than a polar bear’s balls 11 months outta the year. What else you gonna do to keep warm?”
In an interview with Vanity Fair, Johnston said Palin had a plan to deal with Bristol's pregnancy. “Bristol got huge when she was pregnant. So Sarah was just gonna tell everyone that she had a thyroid condition.”
Johnston, 19, lived in the Palin house for two months awaiting the birth of the baby, Tripp, who was born in December. The couple called off the wedding shortly after their son's birth. “Sure, I wanted to marry Bristol," Johnston proclaimed. "Have you seen her house? It’s frickin’ huge! Sure beats the Chevy van I live in down by the Wasilla River.”
Johnston, in national interviews, claims he's pursuing a career as an actor or a model.
“I’m waiting for a call back from that show ‘The Biggest Loser.’ People always call me that so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning,” Johnston claimed. “And the Trojan Condom Company wants me to be in an ad. They said it would be a picture of me with the caption ‘Girls, do you want this guy to be your Baby Daddy?’ I hope it will be a hit with the ladies because lately I can’t even buy a date. The only action I have been getting is the occasional wounded moose.”
“She (Sarah) was afraid people would consider her a bad mother if her daughter got pregnant and wasn’t married. But girls get knocked up all the time up here in Alaska. It’s colder than a polar bear’s balls 11 months outta the year. What else you gonna do to keep warm?”
In an interview with Vanity Fair, Johnston said Palin had a plan to deal with Bristol's pregnancy. “Bristol got huge when she was pregnant. So Sarah was just gonna tell everyone that she had a thyroid condition.”
Johnston, 19, lived in the Palin house for two months awaiting the birth of the baby, Tripp, who was born in December. The couple called off the wedding shortly after their son's birth. “Sure, I wanted to marry Bristol," Johnston proclaimed. "Have you seen her house? It’s frickin’ huge! Sure beats the Chevy van I live in down by the Wasilla River.”
Johnston, in national interviews, claims he's pursuing a career as an actor or a model.
“I’m waiting for a call back from that show ‘The Biggest Loser.’ People always call me that so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning,” Johnston claimed. “And the Trojan Condom Company wants me to be in an ad. They said it would be a picture of me with the caption ‘Girls, do you want this guy to be your Baby Daddy?’ I hope it will be a hit with the ladies because lately I can’t even buy a date. The only action I have been getting is the occasional wounded moose.”
News to Me
After Charles Gibson, who has served as anchor of "World News" since May of 2006, announced this morning that he will retire at the end of the year speculation abounded as to who would be his replacement. In a move that is sure to raise some eyebrows ABC News immediately announced that Gibson would be replaced by tween favorite Miley Cyrus.
"It has not been an easy decision to make," Gibson, 66, said in an email to world news staff. "But I am sure that having a fresh young face doing the evening news will help encourage today’s youth to pay attention to the world around them. And, hey, it could have been worse. At least they didn’t choose Joy Behar.”
ABC News President David Westin said that he and Gibson have been talking about the decision for several weeks and that Gibson "has persuaded me that this is both what he wants and what is best for him."
"Miley Cyrus is the right person to succeed Charlie and build on what he has accomplished,” Westin said in a statement. "She has an outstanding and varied career in television, movies, video and performing. And hey, she’s Hannah Montana! Do you know how many fans she has? Our ratings will soar!"
Other networks contacted declined to comment on whether they would be making any significant changes to their news programming in response to this bold move by ABC. One source at ratings leading FOX News, speaking on condition of anonymity, did hint at changes that would be occurring at the network. “There have been some ideas being floated around. Do not be surprised if you see “The Jonas Brothers Factor” or ‘Fox News Sunday with Twilight’s Robert Pattinson’ real soon.”
"It has not been an easy decision to make," Gibson, 66, said in an email to world news staff. "But I am sure that having a fresh young face doing the evening news will help encourage today’s youth to pay attention to the world around them. And, hey, it could have been worse. At least they didn’t choose Joy Behar.”
ABC News President David Westin said that he and Gibson have been talking about the decision for several weeks and that Gibson "has persuaded me that this is both what he wants and what is best for him."
"Miley Cyrus is the right person to succeed Charlie and build on what he has accomplished,” Westin said in a statement. "She has an outstanding and varied career in television, movies, video and performing. And hey, she’s Hannah Montana! Do you know how many fans she has? Our ratings will soar!"
Other networks contacted declined to comment on whether they would be making any significant changes to their news programming in response to this bold move by ABC. One source at ratings leading FOX News, speaking on condition of anonymity, did hint at changes that would be occurring at the network. “There have been some ideas being floated around. Do not be surprised if you see “The Jonas Brothers Factor” or ‘Fox News Sunday with Twilight’s Robert Pattinson’ real soon.”
Getting Schooled
Drawing fire from some conservatives, who say he's just trying to indoctrinate students to his political beliefs, President Barack Obama has modified plans for a televised back-to-school address to students next week. Obama will utilize themes from a classic animated educational series to call for a shared responsibility and commitment on the part of students, parents and educators.
Titled “White House Rocks!” the president’s address will encourage student to join him as he sings songs from the show, all given a “remix” by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.
The tunes include “I’m Just a Health Care Bill (that Republicans Oppose)”; “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your Public Option Here;” “60 is a Magic Number;” and “Conservative Junction, What’s Your Malfunction?”
In the Sept. 8 speech, Obama will challenge students to work hard, set goals for their education and take responsibility for their learning, as well as gain a perspective on important policies that will affect them and their families, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said in a letter to principals.
The Education Department is encouraging teachers to create lesson plans around the speech, using materials provided on the department website, www.obeyUS.gov.
Even before the speech some conservatives are crying foul. The chairman of the Florida Republican Party, Jim Greer, is condemning Obama's speech as an attempt to "indoctrinate America's children to his socialist agenda."
"This is just an invasive abuse of power. Children across our nation will be forced to watch the President justify his anti capitalist plans. And the guy can’t sing, either. It’s like listening to fingernails on a black, er, I mean, chalk board,” Greer said.
.
In his letter to principals, Duncan said viewing of the speech is encouraged, but not mandatory. “Of course if they (principals) do not show the speech, children in the affected schools are encouraged to email us and let us know. We will then dispatch some of our Union friends to help ‘enlighten’ the non- participants.”
Titled “White House Rocks!” the president’s address will encourage student to join him as he sings songs from the show, all given a “remix” by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.
The tunes include “I’m Just a Health Care Bill (that Republicans Oppose)”; “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your Public Option Here;” “60 is a Magic Number;” and “Conservative Junction, What’s Your Malfunction?”
In the Sept. 8 speech, Obama will challenge students to work hard, set goals for their education and take responsibility for their learning, as well as gain a perspective on important policies that will affect them and their families, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said in a letter to principals.
The Education Department is encouraging teachers to create lesson plans around the speech, using materials provided on the department website, www.obeyUS.gov.
Even before the speech some conservatives are crying foul. The chairman of the Florida Republican Party, Jim Greer, is condemning Obama's speech as an attempt to "indoctrinate America's children to his socialist agenda."
"This is just an invasive abuse of power. Children across our nation will be forced to watch the President justify his anti capitalist plans. And the guy can’t sing, either. It’s like listening to fingernails on a black, er, I mean, chalk board,” Greer said.
.
In his letter to principals, Duncan said viewing of the speech is encouraged, but not mandatory. “Of course if they (principals) do not show the speech, children in the affected schools are encouraged to email us and let us know. We will then dispatch some of our Union friends to help ‘enlighten’ the non- participants.”
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Doctor, Doctor
Aides to President Barack Obama are putting the final touches on a new strategy to help Democrats recover from a brutal August recess. The new strategy calls for everyone in America to go to medical school.
Obama is considering detailing this health-care plan in a major speech as soon as next week, when Congress returns from the August recess.
“We’re entering a new season,” senior adviser David Axelrod said in a telephone interview. “It’s time to realize that the health care plan we have been backing is toast. Burnt toast. So we came up with a new plan. We call it “The Do It Yourself, or DIY, Medical System.”
“Obviously it is a different phase. We’re going to approach it in a different way. The president is going to be very active in ensuring every American has the title ‘M.D.’ after their name.”
Administration officials welcome a showdown with conservative lawmakers if they argue about the cost. “They (the Republicans) are always harping on personal responsibility,” an aide to Obama stated. “In our plan you take care of yourself. If you get sick, diagnose yourself. Prescribe your own drugs. Need an operation? Set up a hospital in your garage. The cost savings will be phenomenal!”
“President Obama’s goal is to create the best possible situation for consumers," Axelrod said. "And we have been listening to the town hall debates where everyone asks their representatives if they would sign up for the health care plan they want the make the public to use. Well, with this plan the Congress is actually going to be the first participants. In fact Barney Frank is currently attending Boston University Medical School to get a degree in Proctology. Nancy Pelosi has been taking classes in Cosmetic Surgery. Even former President Clinton has shown an interest in getting a degree in Gynecology.”
Obama is considering detailing this health-care plan in a major speech as soon as next week, when Congress returns from the August recess.
“We’re entering a new season,” senior adviser David Axelrod said in a telephone interview. “It’s time to realize that the health care plan we have been backing is toast. Burnt toast. So we came up with a new plan. We call it “The Do It Yourself, or DIY, Medical System.”
“Obviously it is a different phase. We’re going to approach it in a different way. The president is going to be very active in ensuring every American has the title ‘M.D.’ after their name.”
Administration officials welcome a showdown with conservative lawmakers if they argue about the cost. “They (the Republicans) are always harping on personal responsibility,” an aide to Obama stated. “In our plan you take care of yourself. If you get sick, diagnose yourself. Prescribe your own drugs. Need an operation? Set up a hospital in your garage. The cost savings will be phenomenal!”
“President Obama’s goal is to create the best possible situation for consumers," Axelrod said. "And we have been listening to the town hall debates where everyone asks their representatives if they would sign up for the health care plan they want the make the public to use. Well, with this plan the Congress is actually going to be the first participants. In fact Barney Frank is currently attending Boston University Medical School to get a degree in Proctology. Nancy Pelosi has been taking classes in Cosmetic Surgery. Even former President Clinton has shown an interest in getting a degree in Gynecology.”
Swimsuit competition
Former Miss USA runner-up Carrie Prejean is firing back at California pageant officials with a lawsuit over the questioning portion of the pageant.
“If Carrie had not answered the question in support of traditional marriage ... she would most certainly still be Miss California,” Prejean’s attorney Charles S Limandri told Foxnews.com. “So we are requesting a new set of questioners, namely the White House Press corps.”
The 22-year-old beauty queen filed a complaint Monday morning in Los Angeles Superior Court. Prejean lost her crown three months ago for what state pageant officials claimed was a “breach of contract” and failure to attend scheduled appearances.
“Over the past two months we have worked hard to provide overwhelming evidence that Miss Prejean did not violate her contract. She did not deserve to have her title revoked” Limandri claimed. “We have done this in an effort for people to know the truth. But the truth didn’t work. So we want a do over with a new softball question like the ones the White House reporters serve up.”
“All of this mess happened because of that stupid gay marriage question,” Prejean stated. “So I want a new question, an easy question, you know, like that guy Gibbs gets all the time. Maybe something about what kind of puppy I’m gonna get if I win.”
“If Carrie had not answered the question in support of traditional marriage ... she would most certainly still be Miss California,” Prejean’s attorney Charles S Limandri told Foxnews.com. “So we are requesting a new set of questioners, namely the White House Press corps.”
The 22-year-old beauty queen filed a complaint Monday morning in Los Angeles Superior Court. Prejean lost her crown three months ago for what state pageant officials claimed was a “breach of contract” and failure to attend scheduled appearances.
“Over the past two months we have worked hard to provide overwhelming evidence that Miss Prejean did not violate her contract. She did not deserve to have her title revoked” Limandri claimed. “We have done this in an effort for people to know the truth. But the truth didn’t work. So we want a do over with a new softball question like the ones the White House reporters serve up.”
“All of this mess happened because of that stupid gay marriage question,” Prejean stated. “So I want a new question, an easy question, you know, like that guy Gibbs gets all the time. Maybe something about what kind of puppy I’m gonna get if I win.”
Turn your head and cough...
On the first day of National Preparedness Month, President Obama cautioned people about the second wave of the H1N1 or swine flu virus this fall – wearing a biohazard suit.
“We know that we usually get a second, larger wave of these flu viruses in the fall, and so response plans have been put in place across all levels of government,” Mr. Obama said, his voice muffled by a protective respirator. “Our plans and decisions are based on the best scientific information available, from the same experts who brought you the ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program.”
The President said the government is making “steady progress” developing a safe and effective vaccine. “We expect a flu shot program will begin soon. And like my health care plan, with this program you will have no choice whether or not you take it.”
The President called on every American to play a role in responding to the virus, except those who are of or approaching retirement age. “We need our most seasoned citizens to take the lead by not clogging hospitals and health care providers to receive the anti-viral medications and vaccines available. Let’s face it, your old; you are going to die soon anyway, so it might as well be from swine flu.”
The President concluded his update with some hopeful news about the economy. “If our flu efforts go well we anticipate a reduction in the amount of spending in the Social Security and Medicare Systems over the next several months.”
“We know that we usually get a second, larger wave of these flu viruses in the fall, and so response plans have been put in place across all levels of government,” Mr. Obama said, his voice muffled by a protective respirator. “Our plans and decisions are based on the best scientific information available, from the same experts who brought you the ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program.”
The President said the government is making “steady progress” developing a safe and effective vaccine. “We expect a flu shot program will begin soon. And like my health care plan, with this program you will have no choice whether or not you take it.”
The President called on every American to play a role in responding to the virus, except those who are of or approaching retirement age. “We need our most seasoned citizens to take the lead by not clogging hospitals and health care providers to receive the anti-viral medications and vaccines available. Let’s face it, your old; you are going to die soon anyway, so it might as well be from swine flu.”
The President concluded his update with some hopeful news about the economy. “If our flu efforts go well we anticipate a reduction in the amount of spending in the Social Security and Medicare Systems over the next several months.”
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
No "I" in Team
Minnesota Viking and future Hall of Fame Quarterback Brett Favre holds many records, including most consecutive starts. Moments after beating the Houston Texans 17-10 in a preseason game Monday night, Favre announced that he will be leaving the team immediately to pursue another record - playing for every team in the league in one season.
ESPN reported before the game that Favre said he thinks he has the right to do this, even though he will be causing chaos in locker rooms across the country. “Look, I’m Brett Favre. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and teams just grab ankles and let me. So why should this be any different?”
"There is nothing you can do about it first of all, secondly, I feel great and I think I will be fine. And, besides, there is nothing you can do about it."
Favre said he wasn't out to hurt anyone and was simply trying to pad his already thick resume, and bank account. “Scott (Boris, Favre’s agent) figures we can get a minimum of $5 million per team. In one season that is some serious cheese, and it ain’t Wisconsin cheese either!”
When asked where he will go next Favre stated “Well, might as well stay in the Division, go through the lousy teams first, like Detroit. I am planning so that by the time it rolls around I will have two teams left, the two that are playing in the Super Bowl. One way or the other I will get another ring.”
ESPN reported before the game that Favre said he thinks he has the right to do this, even though he will be causing chaos in locker rooms across the country. “Look, I’m Brett Favre. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and teams just grab ankles and let me. So why should this be any different?”
"There is nothing you can do about it first of all, secondly, I feel great and I think I will be fine. And, besides, there is nothing you can do about it."
Favre said he wasn't out to hurt anyone and was simply trying to pad his already thick resume, and bank account. “Scott (Boris, Favre’s agent) figures we can get a minimum of $5 million per team. In one season that is some serious cheese, and it ain’t Wisconsin cheese either!”
When asked where he will go next Favre stated “Well, might as well stay in the Division, go through the lousy teams first, like Detroit. I am planning so that by the time it rolls around I will have two teams left, the two that are playing in the Super Bowl. One way or the other I will get another ring.”
Right on his feet
In a move sure to upset Republicans the White House on Monday announced it has involuntarily signed up former Vice President Dick Cheney to appear on the ABC series “Dancing with the Stars”.
Cheney, in an interview recently aired on FOX News Sunday, called the Obama administration's decision to open a probe into alleged CIA abuses an "outrageous political act." White House Press Secretary Roberts Gibbs claimed. "This is the same song and dance we've heard since literally the first day of our administration. If the vice president wants to do a song and dance routine then this is a good opportunity for him to show his stuff and give his ole heart a workout!”
Gibbs suggested the former vice president's criticism about a newly formed unit responsible for interrogating high-value detainees was also reason for Cheney’s involuntary participation in the popular show but plans had been in the works for quite some time.
"With the major networks in our back pocket we were just looking for a show to put Cheney on. We originally planned on putting him on the water obstacle laden ABC show “Wipeout,” but the producers told us if we water board him we would have to water board everybody. And we do not torture terrorists, or citizens. We would, of course, make an exception for Dick.”
Cheney, in an interview recently aired on FOX News Sunday, called the Obama administration's decision to open a probe into alleged CIA abuses an "outrageous political act." White House Press Secretary Roberts Gibbs claimed. "This is the same song and dance we've heard since literally the first day of our administration. If the vice president wants to do a song and dance routine then this is a good opportunity for him to show his stuff and give his ole heart a workout!”
Gibbs suggested the former vice president's criticism about a newly formed unit responsible for interrogating high-value detainees was also reason for Cheney’s involuntary participation in the popular show but plans had been in the works for quite some time.
"With the major networks in our back pocket we were just looking for a show to put Cheney on. We originally planned on putting him on the water obstacle laden ABC show “Wipeout,” but the producers told us if we water board him we would have to water board everybody. And we do not torture terrorists, or citizens. We would, of course, make an exception for Dick.”
General (ly) Speaking...
Responding to criticism from former Vice President Cheney that President Obama is making the nation more vulnerable to terrorism, the president’s National Security Adviser, Gen. Jim Jones (Ret.), told ABC News that President Obama’s greater success with international relations has meant more terrorists put out of commission.
Jones said. “President Obama has taken the leadership on this subject and is approaching the threat in a slightly different way – actually a radically different way. Truth and reality will no longer play any part in our planning or in how we respond to terrorism, or reporters.”
“You can pretty much take anything we say and the opposite will be true. We can do this because you (the press) don’t actually check to see if we are telling the truth,” Jones claimed. “So if I were to say that we captured Osama Bin Laden last night at a 7-11 in Kandahar, while it is total B.S., you all will report it as fact.”
The former Marine General, choking back laughter, stated “We are killing more people, capturing more people than they (the Bush Administration) did. The good intelligence from both the CIA and intelligence agencies from US allies has made the difference!”
“I take exception to assertions that something that we decided or the president decided will make the country less safe,” Jones said. “I just don’t agree with that. We are about making this country safe. So we make up these stories, like the one about Bin Laden, and everybody feels safer. And I’ll take feeling safer over knowing the truth any day.”
Jones didn’t buy Cheney’s argument that the fact the U.S. didn’t experience any terrorist attacks on U.S. soil after September 11, 2001 proves Bush administration terror fighting techniques were effective. “It’s very easy to leave office and say, ‘Well, no other disaster happened on the size and scope of 9/11, so we did our job well. We (the Obama Administration) do not have to do our job well. As long as we have a media giving only our version of the truth Al Qaida could bomb Disneyworld and you would report it as a new Hanna Montana ride.”
Jones said. “President Obama has taken the leadership on this subject and is approaching the threat in a slightly different way – actually a radically different way. Truth and reality will no longer play any part in our planning or in how we respond to terrorism, or reporters.”
“You can pretty much take anything we say and the opposite will be true. We can do this because you (the press) don’t actually check to see if we are telling the truth,” Jones claimed. “So if I were to say that we captured Osama Bin Laden last night at a 7-11 in Kandahar, while it is total B.S., you all will report it as fact.”
The former Marine General, choking back laughter, stated “We are killing more people, capturing more people than they (the Bush Administration) did. The good intelligence from both the CIA and intelligence agencies from US allies has made the difference!”
“I take exception to assertions that something that we decided or the president decided will make the country less safe,” Jones said. “I just don’t agree with that. We are about making this country safe. So we make up these stories, like the one about Bin Laden, and everybody feels safer. And I’ll take feeling safer over knowing the truth any day.”
Jones didn’t buy Cheney’s argument that the fact the U.S. didn’t experience any terrorist attacks on U.S. soil after September 11, 2001 proves Bush administration terror fighting techniques were effective. “It’s very easy to leave office and say, ‘Well, no other disaster happened on the size and scope of 9/11, so we did our job well. We (the Obama Administration) do not have to do our job well. As long as we have a media giving only our version of the truth Al Qaida could bomb Disneyworld and you would report it as a new Hanna Montana ride.”
Monday, August 31, 2009
A Touch of Gray
Only a few hours after the burial of Senator Edward Kennedy ghosts of Democratic victories past, Al Gore and Bill Clinton, were the star guests at the Tennessee Democratic Party’s annual Jackson Day
Gore remembered the legendary Massachusetts senator. “He (Kennedy) was by far the most effective member of the United States Senate that I ever served with. Jefferson, Adams, Lincoln, I served with them all, and they all pale in comparison.”
Gore, in a short set of remarks, seemed to elicit the night’s most emotional moment. Playing off the focus of the Kennedy funeral Gore thundered that the country has “a moral duty to pass health care reform. This year. The year 2000. During my administration!”
Both men — as was Obama in his eulogy early in the day — seemed deliberately careful to underline the bi-partisan mourners who helped take Kennedy to his final rest Saturday. “There were as many Republicans as Democrats in that church today,” Gore said. “Of course, we wouldn’t let them say or do anything, and they did have to stand in the back and check coats, since we run this town…”
“You need to back these congressmen and let them know you’re not going to let them be steamrollered by a bunch of people who have been frightened,” Clinton said, in reference to the town hall tumult of the last few weeks. “If they want to see real fear and anger they should spend some time at my house after Hillary gets back from one of her overseas useless foreign policy boondoggles.”
“I don’t want to bore you with all the details, but Hillary wanted me to make sure that you all know she had no resentment that he (Kennedy) endorsed Obama in the last Presidential campaign” Clinton stated. “But, it should be clear to everyone now that Obama is really not prepared for that 3 a.m. phone call. Hell, the guy can’t even pass a healthcare plan when he has a majority in Congress! I’ve nailed interns smarter than this guy!”
Gore remembered the legendary Massachusetts senator. “He (Kennedy) was by far the most effective member of the United States Senate that I ever served with. Jefferson, Adams, Lincoln, I served with them all, and they all pale in comparison.”
Gore, in a short set of remarks, seemed to elicit the night’s most emotional moment. Playing off the focus of the Kennedy funeral Gore thundered that the country has “a moral duty to pass health care reform. This year. The year 2000. During my administration!”
Both men — as was Obama in his eulogy early in the day — seemed deliberately careful to underline the bi-partisan mourners who helped take Kennedy to his final rest Saturday. “There were as many Republicans as Democrats in that church today,” Gore said. “Of course, we wouldn’t let them say or do anything, and they did have to stand in the back and check coats, since we run this town…”
“You need to back these congressmen and let them know you’re not going to let them be steamrollered by a bunch of people who have been frightened,” Clinton said, in reference to the town hall tumult of the last few weeks. “If they want to see real fear and anger they should spend some time at my house after Hillary gets back from one of her overseas useless foreign policy boondoggles.”
“I don’t want to bore you with all the details, but Hillary wanted me to make sure that you all know she had no resentment that he (Kennedy) endorsed Obama in the last Presidential campaign” Clinton stated. “But, it should be clear to everyone now that Obama is really not prepared for that 3 a.m. phone call. Hell, the guy can’t even pass a healthcare plan when he has a majority in Congress! I’ve nailed interns smarter than this guy!”
I'd watch that....
NBC has hired someone with White House experience as a contestant for a new prime time reality show - former first daughter Jenna Bush.
Bush, a 27-year-old teacher in Baltimore, will be a contestant on “I’m a Conservative, Get Me Outta Here!” said Jim Bell, the show’s executive producer.
The daughter of former President George W. Bush said she has always wanted to be on a reality show and was intrigued by the idea of getting into television when Bell contacted her.
The show will be set in Washington D.C. and will include a multitude of challenges each contestant must pass to make it to the “Election,” where a vote will take place.
Bush expects her first challenge, concerning education, to be the hardest. “They will have me try to teach American History using D.C. public school textbooks. I think I would rather eat a big bug.”
Future contestants include former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. “We plan on sending her to a PETA rally wearing a wolf fur coat and carrying a hunting knife”, Bell stated. “That will definitely make for some Must See TV!”
Bush, a 27-year-old teacher in Baltimore, will be a contestant on “I’m a Conservative, Get Me Outta Here!” said Jim Bell, the show’s executive producer.
The daughter of former President George W. Bush said she has always wanted to be on a reality show and was intrigued by the idea of getting into television when Bell contacted her.
The show will be set in Washington D.C. and will include a multitude of challenges each contestant must pass to make it to the “Election,” where a vote will take place.
Bush expects her first challenge, concerning education, to be the hardest. “They will have me try to teach American History using D.C. public school textbooks. I think I would rather eat a big bug.”
Future contestants include former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. “We plan on sending her to a PETA rally wearing a wolf fur coat and carrying a hunting knife”, Bell stated. “That will definitely make for some Must See TV!”
Something stinks around here...
Former vice President Dick Cheney, in an interview with FOX News Sunday, criticized President Obama's decision last week to assert White House control over a newly formed unit that will interrogate terrorists. The new arrangement shifts control of such interrogations away from the CIA and toward the FBI, although oversight will be exercised by the National Security Council, which is located in the White House and reports directly to the president. Cheney ridiculed the new unit, which will be known as Special Handling of International Terrorists, or S.H.I.T.
Administration officials are vague about which agency will retain ultimate authority over S.H.I.T. Obama spokesman Bill Burton initially said the new unit "will report to the director of the FBI," although the Justice Department, which encompasses the FBI, insisted “We don’t know S.H.I.T.”
Burton explained: "Just like other interagency processes, if S.H.I.T. happens, the different agencies will be able to come together and make a decision."
"It's not even clear who's responsible for this S.H.I.T," Cheney marveled. "The Justice Department is, and then they claim they aren't. The FBI is responsible, and they claim they aren't. It's some kind of inter-agency process by which they're going to be responsible for interrogating high-value detainees. In my opinion, S.H.I.T stinks.”
Cheney predicted the new unit will be incapable of effectively interrogating "people that may have knowledge about imminent attacks." "They're going to have to have meetings and decide who gets to ask what question and who's going to Mirandize the witness," he said. "I think it's silly. It makes no sense. I think the administration will discover too late that once they get deep into S.H.I.T that S.H.I.T won’t work.”
Administration officials are vague about which agency will retain ultimate authority over S.H.I.T. Obama spokesman Bill Burton initially said the new unit "will report to the director of the FBI," although the Justice Department, which encompasses the FBI, insisted “We don’t know S.H.I.T.”
Burton explained: "Just like other interagency processes, if S.H.I.T. happens, the different agencies will be able to come together and make a decision."
"It's not even clear who's responsible for this S.H.I.T," Cheney marveled. "The Justice Department is, and then they claim they aren't. The FBI is responsible, and they claim they aren't. It's some kind of inter-agency process by which they're going to be responsible for interrogating high-value detainees. In my opinion, S.H.I.T stinks.”
Cheney predicted the new unit will be incapable of effectively interrogating "people that may have knowledge about imminent attacks." "They're going to have to have meetings and decide who gets to ask what question and who's going to Mirandize the witness," he said. "I think it's silly. It makes no sense. I think the administration will discover too late that once they get deep into S.H.I.T that S.H.I.T won’t work.”
Friday, August 28, 2009
Give the guy a break...
In an effort to stave off his declining popularity President Obama has announced a new philosophy for the presidency – the Permanent Vacation.
After a mid-August trip to America's national parks and a weeklong vacation on Martha's Vineyard, President Obama next plans to take an indefinite amount of time away from the office.
“President Obama will head to Camp David and stay through the weekend. Where he goes after that is anybody’s guess. But with all the flack he is taking over the health care bill you can bet he is not going back to DC!”, White House spokesman Bill Burton told reporters in a Thursday briefing.
Joking that it may have been "wishful thinking" to suggest Obama's current trip out of Washington would coincide with a news-free week, Burton quipped that the president needs a "break from his presidency."
For the second time in just a few days, however, the deputy press secretary emphasized that Obama hasn't disengaged from his responsibilities. He just doesn’t want to be held responsible for his responsibilities.
"When you're president, you've always got that job. President Obama has realized that he needs to return to his political roots, where he just voted present and never got entangled in any actual policy making" Burton said.
Burton then stated that Vice President Biden will be taking the lead on all policy matters and will appear at all further press conferences. “He (Biden) is a great asset to the President. Ole Joe can say the most idiotic, non-sensical things and people give him a pass. With Joe at the forefront we expect to see a marked improvement in what matters most to President Obama– poll numbers.”
After a mid-August trip to America's national parks and a weeklong vacation on Martha's Vineyard, President Obama next plans to take an indefinite amount of time away from the office.
“President Obama will head to Camp David and stay through the weekend. Where he goes after that is anybody’s guess. But with all the flack he is taking over the health care bill you can bet he is not going back to DC!”, White House spokesman Bill Burton told reporters in a Thursday briefing.
Joking that it may have been "wishful thinking" to suggest Obama's current trip out of Washington would coincide with a news-free week, Burton quipped that the president needs a "break from his presidency."
For the second time in just a few days, however, the deputy press secretary emphasized that Obama hasn't disengaged from his responsibilities. He just doesn’t want to be held responsible for his responsibilities.
"When you're president, you've always got that job. President Obama has realized that he needs to return to his political roots, where he just voted present and never got entangled in any actual policy making" Burton said.
Burton then stated that Vice President Biden will be taking the lead on all policy matters and will appear at all further press conferences. “He (Biden) is a great asset to the President. Ole Joe can say the most idiotic, non-sensical things and people give him a pass. With Joe at the forefront we expect to see a marked improvement in what matters most to President Obama– poll numbers.”
Have a drink on me
Safety questions are being raised about the rush to get an H1N1 vaccine into the hands of doctors.
Many Americans are unsure whether to risk put off being vaccinated or take a shot at beating the virus before it re-emerges this fall.
To ensure that questions and concerns that are brewing in the nation are answered the Centers for Disease Control is turning to an expert in brewing, and shots, to help with their efforts – Jack Daniels.
“When you think shots you think Jack Daniels" said Dr. Peter Gross, senior vice president and chief medical officer at Hackensack University Medical Center. "While the H1N1 vaccine will be tested to make sure it’s safe and contains the proper amounts of protective antibodies, following a vaccine shot with a shot or two of JD sounds like a good idea to me.”
Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius said Monday that all Americans are potentially looking at several shots this year instead of the normal one shot. “People should get one shot for the seasonal flu, two for the new H1N1 virus, and as many shots of Jack as possible. We here at HHS have even come up with a new drinking game. We turn on MSNBC and take a shot of Jack Daniels every time they praise Obama. People here are getting really hammered!”
When asked on how HHS made the decision to use Jack Daniels, Sebelius replied “We originally were going to use Jose Cuervo tequila but we figured we would catch hell from Limbaugh and Hannity.”
Many Americans are unsure whether to risk put off being vaccinated or take a shot at beating the virus before it re-emerges this fall.
To ensure that questions and concerns that are brewing in the nation are answered the Centers for Disease Control is turning to an expert in brewing, and shots, to help with their efforts – Jack Daniels.
“When you think shots you think Jack Daniels" said Dr. Peter Gross, senior vice president and chief medical officer at Hackensack University Medical Center. "While the H1N1 vaccine will be tested to make sure it’s safe and contains the proper amounts of protective antibodies, following a vaccine shot with a shot or two of JD sounds like a good idea to me.”
Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius said Monday that all Americans are potentially looking at several shots this year instead of the normal one shot. “People should get one shot for the seasonal flu, two for the new H1N1 virus, and as many shots of Jack as possible. We here at HHS have even come up with a new drinking game. We turn on MSNBC and take a shot of Jack Daniels every time they praise Obama. People here are getting really hammered!”
When asked on how HHS made the decision to use Jack Daniels, Sebelius replied “We originally were going to use Jose Cuervo tequila but we figured we would catch hell from Limbaugh and Hannity.”
The Name Game
Democrats were accused of exploiting the death of Senator Edward Kennedy yesterday after immediately trying to use his name to revive President Obama’s flagging attempt to overhaul the US healthcare system.
“It was a driving force in his life,” Senator Christopher Dodd, longtime friend and colleague of Senator Kennedy, said. “We would often discuss healthcare over drinks. Rapid, quality health care for everyone. That’s what he wanted. There is not a single American, man or woman, who Teddy wouldn’t risk his political career, or his life, for to make sure they get health care.”
Within hours of Mr. Kennedy’s death on Wednesday leading Democrats were trying to turn it into a rallying point for healthcare reform and suggested that any legislation should carry his name.
“When you think of living a healthy life style, and life in general, you think Teddy Kennedy”, Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, stated Thursday.
Robert Byrd, the senior Senate Democrat, called for the passage of healthcare legislation that would bear Mr. Kennedy’s name. “Ted Kennedy’s dream of quality healthcare for all Americans will be made real this year because of his leadership and his inspiration. And if we can’t get the entire bill passed we will at least name the Death Panels after him.”
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Back from the Dead
Wow, it's been a long time! But with all the weird, downright scary stuff in the news I feel the itch to bitch! Please take a look at the older posts and hopefully you will get a chuckle...
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